The Storm-part 2

The Storm-part 1
As I laid there I kept thinking all of these dark thoughts that I really had no business thinking. It was early afternoon when I finally got back up and started implementing the first part of my plan. I called T my sitter and asked if E could stay with her for a few days, because I wasn’t feeling well and needed the rest. She of course said it was fine and after exchanging a few pleasantries I hung-up and started packing his bag. I made sure I put a few dollars in his bag, so that he could buy lunch at school for the next two days.

Then I jumped in my car and drove the ten minutes to her house and dropped off his things. T took one look at me and asked if there was any thing else she could do for me. I told her she was already doing enough and I would call in a couple of days and let her know when I was coming back for E. Then I drove home my heart aching every mile I drove because I felt like such a failure as a mom, but I knew that he shouldn’t be around me the way I was feeling and acting. I knew the best thing I could do for him was to spare him from my deep dark pain. When I returned home I barricaded myself in my house and didn’t come back out for the next 6 days.

I called my job and told them that I needed a few days off for a personal emergency, and being that I am usually pretty reliable they took me at my word. I got back in my bed and pulled the covers over my head and didn’t come back out again until late that night. I was hungry, but didn’t have the strength to eat. I was thirsty, but didn’t have the will to drink. All I wanted to do was lay there. All I wanted to do was dig a hole and bury myself in it and never come out.

I slept and then I stared up at the ceiling until I fell back to sleep again. I started questioning and battling myself over many issues that I kept buried within me for so many years. At first I thought this whole sick behavior was over a guy, but as the days wore on I began to realize it was something much deeper.

About Saturday morning, I think by this time I had begun to lose track of time. I called T and checked in on E to make sure everything was OK. He was fine of course and she said that she had no problem keeping him for as long as I needed. Great, because the last thing I needed was to have to take care of him while these demons were flying around in my head.

I finally decided to get up out of bed and I ran to the back of my closet where there were stacks of spiral notebooks and just stared at them. Inside those notebooks was the story of my life from the time I was 7 years old until I was about 21 I wrote page for every day. I decided that it was time for me to read them and relive each day and each emotion as I felt it then.

As I read each page starting from the beginning on my 7th birthday and saw how this smart and vibrant girl transformed into this unhappy depressed teenager. I let out a long low wail and began to sob. I cried as I read every single page of the first notebook and then I picked up the second and the third and cried with each one.

Every day for the next 3 days I read and re-read passages of my own words and I cried. I was just so unhappy and so depressed for someone so young. My childhood had been snatched away from me at such a young age. I had poured everything I had into those notebooks. Every emotion that I felt and all of my secrets and all of my desires and most of it I had suppressed so deep inside my soul that I didn’t even remember.

I wrote the following when I was just 12 years old.

"Dear God,

I want to die. I don’t know if I can take this any more. I pray every night for it to stop, but it never does. What did I do that made you so mad at me? Why can’t I just be normal? Please lord take me away from all of this tonight please don’t let me wake up.”

How sad I was for that little girl and how sad I was for myself at that time. I felt just as I did when I was 12 years old. I wanted to spare my son from unhappiness, because I thought I could bring him nothing but pain. I thought the world would be better off without me and that my life was not worth fighting for. I thought that no one would even notice if I would never know real love or happiness.

At that moment as I was sitting in my bedroom surrounded by my pathetic life in the dark. I began to work on the second part of my plan, which was to end it all because I just wanted to die.