Yesterday...

I wrote a post that was so dark and so twisted that I'm sure if I posted it the police would have been waiting for me at my front door when I came home. I realize now that this bloggiing thing is not really my thing at least not right now, because I can not be free to express myself in a way that I need to. I hold back for fear of what the people who know me may think or feel and since that is one of my main issues in the "real" world I'm not getting the much needed theraputic benefits of just being heard. Not that it matters since no one really ever reads my blog I've decided to shut things down for a few months. I think I am just going to take the rest of the year off. I have a lot of thinking to do. I have a lot of decisions to make. I need to get a part-time job anyway, so the little free time I do have will be gone anyway.

I'm trying y'all I really, really am. I don't think it would upset me so much if I wasn't. I don't think I would have so many lows if I didn't care at all. I wish I would have met some of you many years ago before I gave up. I used to be fun and full of light and hope despite all of my demons. Then something happened...something happened that not only hurt me but humiliated me so badly that my hope disappeared. I hate who I am right now. I want to get back the person I was. I just have no idea where she is.

I know all I need to do is think positive and all will be ok. I know all I need to do is get over it and all will be well. I know all I need to do is stop dwelling and all will be better. Maybe if I go buy me a new stylish pair of shoes...oh but wait I'm broke. Maybe if I just go out on a date...oh wait I don't like anyone and I shouldn't date anyone I don't like...hmmmmm.... Well this is going to be harder then I thought.

I need help. I just can't afford it or have the time to get the help I need. I can't do this alone anymore. I can literally feel my sanity slipping away...

This is such ridiculous BULL SHIT!!!

Happy Happy Joy Joy!!!

Dear God

Why must you keep punishing me? Can I please just have a break? I mean every time it seems things are going to get better. BAM!!!! Some other shit happens...I might as well stay on the ground and never bother to soar. I guess I just like to keep getting smacked. I don't know how much longer I can take this. I need an anchor something tangible that I can hold on to. I feel like I have nothing left to give, but you keep asking me for more. How much lower can I get? I have nothing!! I have been nothing but good. I am trying!!! I am working hard!! I don't know what else you want from me. Just give me a break already!!!!!