Promises, Promises

First, I want to say thank you to everyone who commented and e-mailed me today regarding the post I wrote last night. Your kind words really made me feel pretty good. I was actually surprised when I turned on my computer this morning preparing to delete the post and had comments. I really didn't think anyone would read it let alone understand, but I guess I was wrong.

Today has been a long day and since I am not trying to lay another heavy post on anyone tonight I will try to be brief and upbeat.

I started my day waking up before the sun in order to keep a promise to E. You see he has been bugging me for a while to get him into swimming lessons. My County has it set up, so you can register for the county recreation classes online and I didn't register to get my password in time. I had to do it the old fashion way. I thought it would be no big deal, because I figured most people would register their kids online. I said to myself "self as long as I go to the Indoor Swim Center by 6:3o am I will be able to register and then go back home and get ready for work". Boy was I wrong.

I arrived at the Swim Center about 6:15 and there was already a long azz line. I couldn't believe it. These suburbia folks are serious about getting their kids into swimming. I took my place at the end of the line and about 1 hour and 45 minutes later was able to sign E up for his lessons. I was getting really worried because slots were filling up fast. I think I may have gotten the last slot of the class I wanted.

Now E is officially signed up for his lessons. He is going to be soooo happy. I can't wait to see the smile on his face when I tell him. He LOVES to swim. Don't be surprised if you see this future businessman, astronaut, President of the United States in the Olympics in about 10 years. I am going to make sure he goes for 9 gold medals. Watch out Michael Phelps!!

It makes me smile when I can keep my promise to my little boy.

Rambling Thoughts

All day long everyday all I do is think. Mostly because I only use about .05% of my brain power 95% of the time at work. When I come home I usually jot down somethings in my notebook, but by the time I have time to sit in front of the computer I get writer's block. I can't come up with anything that I want to write. Even though just a few short hours earlier I had several ideas dancing in my head just bursting to get out.

My summer class is finally over and I have about two and half weeks until Fall semester starts up. E starts school next week and I am kinda of dreading it, because that means more running around for me...sigh. He is spending his last week of vacation with my grandparents. It is so nice to have a week of peace with no kid and no school. Unfortunately, I have a list of stuff that I need to get done before the week is out, so no rest for the weary.

I wonder everyday if I will ever be happy? It seems no matter how much I accomplish I just keep wanting more. For example today I was looking at the requirements for graduating with Honors at my school. Even though I have 5 classes left (my last class has not been graded yet) and a pretty good cumulative GPA I am not sure if I will be able to graduate with Honors. I mean it should be good enough that I am graduating at all, but I am upset because I might not make Honors. Why oh why do I have such ambition in my soul? It is very frustrating.

Depression sucks.


I waste so much of my energy just fighting my depression every single day. I could be doing so much more, but I have to literally kick depression in the azz every minute of every day. I mostly win all my little battles. But will I ever win the war? Will I ever wake up in the morning genuinely be happy to be alive?


I am not good with relationships. I tried in the past and have failed pretty miserably. I am afraid to try again.


Fear is a funny thing. I am a pretty fearless person when it comes to most physical thngs. That's probably because I have a death wish. My biggest fear? Rejection. I just recently discovered this about myself. Now if only I could figure out how to cure it.

Stemming from my fear of rejection I have an extremley hard time getting close to people or really letting people into my inner circle. I think this is what causes my relationships with men to fail. I have been told on more then one occassion I am a bit...ummm... cold. I mean on the surface everything seems fine, but when it counts I am just afraid to let anyone in really.

Because of this I often feel like I am on the outside looking in when it comes to my friendships. I try to appear like I am opening up. I am not sure how successful I am at faking the funk though. It is hard to explain how I feel. I wish I could make people understand.

I know I live in a prison of my own making. I know I am my own worst enemy, but I have lived in this place for so long. I am comfortable. Even though I wish I could be different. I am afraid.

I know...