How do you like your coffee?

Political correctness (PC), to be honest I don't care much for it myself, but I do however understand the need for it in our society. I just think some people take it a bit too far.

Case in point

Today I was pulling my last day of receptionist duty [insert happy dance here], when a client came into the office for a meeting with one of the attorneys. A few of the receptionist's jobs are to make the client comfortable, escort them into a conference room and offer them a beverage. Well, this particular woman who happened to be white, was pleasant enough and after she sat down and got comfortable I asked her if she cared for a drink and the following exchange ensued:

Me: Mrs. Smith, would you care for some water, coffee or any other beverage?

Mrs. Smith: Why yes, I would like both water and coffee. Thank you.

Me: How do you like your coffee?

Mrs. Smith: I like my coffee bl...erra ummmm...plain. Thank you.

Me: (smiling) No problem. One BLACK coffee coming up!! (walking away stifling laughter)

On the flip side.
Later on in the morning an older white couple came into the office and after escorting them in the conference room I asked the same question. Here is what happened here:

Me: Would either of you like some water, coffee or tea?

Mrs. White: Young lady can you tell me where the restroom is?

Me: Yes ma'am. Down this hallway first door to your right. (Mrs. White leaves)

Mr. White: I would like some coffee.

Me: How do you like your coffee?

Mr. White: Oh I would like some cream.

Me: Sure no problem...

Mr. White: You can stick your finger in it to sweeten it.

Me: (Me politely chuckling...as I leave the room to get the coffee)

*****upon my return with the coffee*****

Me: Here you are, Sir.

Mr. White: Thank you. Did you stick your finger in it?

Me: Sure did. Hope you like it.

We both laugh at the absurdity of it all.

Now that second exchange didn't really bother me at all it was definitely not the most PC thing for this man to say, but it was comical and broke the ice. Mrs. Smith on the other hand was nearly choking on her tongue trying not to say the word black as to not offend me.

I guess maybe I should be grateful that she was so sensitive as to not want to hurt my feelings. I don't know. When everyone strives to be so PC it drives me a little batty!! I guess I feel being a little Un-PC is not going to really hurt anyone. Am I the only one who feels this way?? We get so caught up of trying not to offend everyone that we lose the humor of it all. I guess this is easy for me to say because I am not very easily offended by people's ignorance or comments. It may not seem like it but I have a very tough exterior and most things that people say that are deemed inappropriate by society just kinda slide off my back. Now I am not saying that I have never been offended just that I look at the big picture and pick my battles.

How do you feel about political correctness? Do you think we still need this in our society? Or do you think people take it too far and we need to lighten up?

Question from E

I want to apologize for my lack of blogging these last few days. I try to write something every night even if it is just my boring azz food journal, but I have not been able to manage that. Reason being my classes have been getting pretty intense and I have had no extra time to write about anything. I have ideas floating around in my brain and I have some stories to tell, but no time to sit down and really write them down.

Tonight I am going to leave you with a question E has asked me, and I am not really sure how to answer it. I know the answer that I want to give him, but when I sit down and really think about it there is not way to really prove it. He is from the "show me" state just like his mom and can't really believe ish unless he can see it or you can show him some kind of proof.

The question he asked me was "What came first the dinosaurs or God?"

Can you help me answer this question for him?

Edited to add:
My first instinct was to say God came first because that is what I believe, but as E pointed out there is no mention of dinosaurs in his Bible or the Torah, so he was very confused. I am a spiritual person, but I am in no shape, way or form a Bible scholar. I have however read the entire Bible and the Torah from cover to cover and I don't remember any mention of dinosaurs. I guess they must have been included in with the "beasts".

I love how inquisitive he is, but dang!!!

I Got Tagged...

by none other than CreoleinDC herself. I feel quite honored and like I have been officially inducted into blogger world. I know I am a big doofus, but you gotta love me!!

What main lesson have you learned in the month of February?That you can't hold on to someone who does not want to be held on too.

What bad habit do you want to rid yourself of this month?
I hope I finally rid myself of negative thinking. I have always been a bit pessimistic and now I try to see the glass as half full instead of completely empty.

What are your favorite muses?
My son E, he gives me some of the inspiration I need to go on each day.

Name one thing UNIQUELY DIFFERENT that you recently discovered about yourself?
I am no longer a victim, but a survivor. Is that unique??

What is your definition of passion vs intimacy?
Passion is the zest and thrill that you have for someone or something or in my case cheesecake.
Intimacy is that special closeness or connection that you have for someone or something or in my case cheesecake.

What are you vibing too?
At this moment I am vibing to some music old school Motown.

What are your favorite gadgets?
Not a gadget person, but if I had to choose I guess my new digital camera.

What would be a perfect date with the person you're thinking of right now...
Date?? What is this dating you speak of??

Last book read?
The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success by Deepak Chopra

What would you re-name it based upon your perception of the storyline?
If You Believe, You Will Achieve

How many times a day do you look at your blog or the blogs of others?
Probably about Three times a day.

Who's your favorite blogger or spot you find lurking around most often?
Everyone currently on my blogroll...DUH!!

If you were to live as the opposite sex for the day what name would you give yourself?
Aaron

Describe yourself in 3 adjectives?
Smart, Funny and Kind

One goal you set for yourself for the month of March?
To run at least 5 miles every other day.

March 22, 2007

The bad news is that I still didn't sleep any better, but the good news is I did not oversleep again. YAY!!! My diet today was not stellar, but it will have to do because the chica is tired.



Breakfast:
1/2c Oatmeal
Tea

Snack:
None

Lunch:
Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich
whole grain bread, sugar free jelly and reduced fat peanut butter

Snack:
1 jolly rancher

Dinner:
Garden salad with vinigarette dressing

Snack:
apple


Just one glass of water today and I skipped the gym because I had errands to run. I am going to the gym to tomorrow to make up for today.

ALL About E

Well, I didn't mean to leave you hanging on such a serious note last night, but I was just too tired to write about the next topic I planned on and that is fun facts about my son E. Since writing about my life will include him on more than a few occasions I figured I better let you all get to know him a bit better.

Born: December 17
Sign: Sagittarius
(just missed being a Capricorn like me by a few days)

Personality: (not in any order)
Silly, Playful, Funny as hell, Loving
Caring, Giving, Very Intelligent
Serious, Sensitive, Charming
Manipulative, Active, Honest
Quick Tempered

Favorite Food:
Pepperoni Pizza

Favorite Drink:
Chocolate Milk

Favorite School Subject:
Reading and Math

Least Favorite School Subject:
Writing

Favorite Phrase:
Ooops! My Bad.

Favorite Things To Do:
Play Video Games, Watch Cartoons
Reading about Video Games and Animals
Sodoku, Puzzles, Riding His Bike
Cub Scouts, Shoveling Snow

His Chores: (we will be adding more this year)
Cleaning his room, Taking out all of the trash
Sorting out his laundry, Generally picking up after himself.

Things He Likes For Me To Do For Him:
Read him bed time stories
Listen to his side the story before I make punishment decisions...lol!!
Watch movies with him

Things He Does For Me:
Opens doors for me
Dances in the middle of the living room with me
Sings very badly with me
Listens to my constant speeches about the benefits of education

Places We Go:
Smithsonian
Zoo
Aquarium
Monster Truck Shows
Cub Scouting Events
Parks

Miscellaneous Facts:
He is afraid of the dark
Likes to sleep with a stuffed animal
Hates all types of bugs and lizards
Loves all other animals even snakes
We have the BEST conversations
Loves money (currently saving to a few things he wants for himself)

Well he is my baby and one of the best things to ever happen for me. I couldn't have asked for a more AWESOME kid!! I can't wait to get my camera, so I can show you all the cool things we do.

The Storm-part 2

The Storm-part 1
As I laid there I kept thinking all of these dark thoughts that I really had no business thinking. It was early afternoon when I finally got back up and started implementing the first part of my plan. I called T my sitter and asked if E could stay with her for a few days, because I wasn’t feeling well and needed the rest. She of course said it was fine and after exchanging a few pleasantries I hung-up and started packing his bag. I made sure I put a few dollars in his bag, so that he could buy lunch at school for the next two days.

Then I jumped in my car and drove the ten minutes to her house and dropped off his things. T took one look at me and asked if there was any thing else she could do for me. I told her she was already doing enough and I would call in a couple of days and let her know when I was coming back for E. Then I drove home my heart aching every mile I drove because I felt like such a failure as a mom, but I knew that he shouldn’t be around me the way I was feeling and acting. I knew the best thing I could do for him was to spare him from my deep dark pain. When I returned home I barricaded myself in my house and didn’t come back out for the next 6 days.

I called my job and told them that I needed a few days off for a personal emergency, and being that I am usually pretty reliable they took me at my word. I got back in my bed and pulled the covers over my head and didn’t come back out again until late that night. I was hungry, but didn’t have the strength to eat. I was thirsty, but didn’t have the will to drink. All I wanted to do was lay there. All I wanted to do was dig a hole and bury myself in it and never come out.

I slept and then I stared up at the ceiling until I fell back to sleep again. I started questioning and battling myself over many issues that I kept buried within me for so many years. At first I thought this whole sick behavior was over a guy, but as the days wore on I began to realize it was something much deeper.

About Saturday morning, I think by this time I had begun to lose track of time. I called T and checked in on E to make sure everything was OK. He was fine of course and she said that she had no problem keeping him for as long as I needed. Great, because the last thing I needed was to have to take care of him while these demons were flying around in my head.

I finally decided to get up out of bed and I ran to the back of my closet where there were stacks of spiral notebooks and just stared at them. Inside those notebooks was the story of my life from the time I was 7 years old until I was about 21 I wrote page for every day. I decided that it was time for me to read them and relive each day and each emotion as I felt it then.

As I read each page starting from the beginning on my 7th birthday and saw how this smart and vibrant girl transformed into this unhappy depressed teenager. I let out a long low wail and began to sob. I cried as I read every single page of the first notebook and then I picked up the second and the third and cried with each one.

Every day for the next 3 days I read and re-read passages of my own words and I cried. I was just so unhappy and so depressed for someone so young. My childhood had been snatched away from me at such a young age. I had poured everything I had into those notebooks. Every emotion that I felt and all of my secrets and all of my desires and most of it I had suppressed so deep inside my soul that I didn’t even remember.

I wrote the following when I was just 12 years old.

"Dear God,

I want to die. I don’t know if I can take this any more. I pray every night for it to stop, but it never does. What did I do that made you so mad at me? Why can’t I just be normal? Please lord take me away from all of this tonight please don’t let me wake up.”

How sad I was for that little girl and how sad I was for myself at that time. I felt just as I did when I was 12 years old. I wanted to spare my son from unhappiness, because I thought I could bring him nothing but pain. I thought the world would be better off without me and that my life was not worth fighting for. I thought that no one would even notice if I would never know real love or happiness.

At that moment as I was sitting in my bedroom surrounded by my pathetic life in the dark. I began to work on the second part of my plan, which was to end it all because I just wanted to die.

March 21, 2007

Can you believe I woke up late AGAIN?!?! I can't. And the sad thing is I STILL didn't sleep well. The differnce being I was actually able to fall asleep, but in between waking up a half a dozen times I was having crazy weird nightmares...UGH!! I was only 10 minutes late this morning, so it wasn't that bad. I did everything in the right order and even ate my normal breakfast...

Breakfast:
1/2c oatmeal
Tea

Snack:
Handful of dried cranberries

Lunch:
Shrimp and Veggie stir-fry
over brown rice
(It was even yummier the next day)

Snack:
1c hot chocolate
(I was freezing today in my office)

Dinner:
1/2c macaroni and cheese
1 chicken leg
full plate of sald w/ vingarette dressing

Snack:
celery sticks
w/ french onion dip

My water intake was not as great as yesteday, but not too bad either. I find when I am cold I tend to drink less water.

Even though I was able to recover from waking up late this mrning my morning still was just all out of synch. First there was more traffic than usual for some crazy reason I still haven't figured out yet and probably never will. Then a rock or something hit my windshield leaving a nice tiny crack in it that I will have to get fixed in a hurry because nice tiny cracks have away of becoming big huge cracks in no time. The really bad thing is I JUST, as in 3 months ago, had my windshield replaced for the same reason grrrrrr!!! Next, when I finally got to work the receptionist was out and I had to play receptionist all day since I am still (after 6 years) the low man on the totem pole. I HATE doing receptionist duty!!! There is only so many times I can sound pleasant on the phone saying the same thing over and over again. But other than that the day wasn't all that bad now if only I can sleep soundly for just one night. I might have to pop an ambien…(sigh).

March 20, 2007

First let me preface this by saying I'm one of those really anal people that have to do certain things in a certain way or my whole day feels really messed up. I have my morning routine and I pretty much do the same thing every morning in the same way and at the same time. I know I'm odd, but it works for me and having a structured routine helps my ADHD kid stay structured and focused.

Today started out not so good, because I could not sleep to save my life last night. Then of course when my alarm went off I stayed in bed for a few extra minutes and THEN...I FELL ASLEEP!!!...Grrrrr. So when I finally opened my eyes I was 20 minutes late in my schedule, which meant I had to do everything out of order. But even with that little set back I still had my new mantra running through my mind "Today will be a good day, because I say it’s gonna be!!" I am so trying to give "The Secret" (Laws of Attraction) a try. Although I still have some issues with it that I will tell you about at a later date.

Anyway, because of my late awakening I did not get to eat my normal breakfast, because by the time I was ready to eat I didn't have much time, so me being me I ALWAYS have plan B. What can I say...I’m structured, but not totally inflexible...HA!!

Breakfast:
1cup of vanilla yogurt
w/fresh blueberries and a sprinkle of granola

Snack:
1/3 cup of dried fruit and nut mix
Tea

Lunch:
Garden salad
w/ light catalina dressing
Lots of water

Snack:
1/3 cup of dried cranberries

Dinner:
11/3cup Stir-Fry shrimp and veggies (Contessa brand...Thanks Lola Granola)
over 1cup of brown rice
YUMMY!!!

Snack:
Mango

I actually had about 40oz of water today, so I'm doing a whole lot better, but haven't reached my goal yet. Today was also a gym day and I ran a little over 3 miles and did about 200 crunches. I also did something I never do I got on the scale, because I have been noticing my clothes are a little looser...BIG MISTAKE. But I thought rationally about the number and realized that I'm retaining water so I am gonna weigh myself again next week for a more accurate reading.

Even though my day didn't start out ideal it has turned out pretty dang good. Maybe my mantra is working after all.

Conversation I had with E This Morning

E: Mommy, I love Tom and Jerry

Me: Well, they were one of my favorites growing up. I am glad you enjoy them too.

E: Yeah, you know what I love about old cartoons?

Me: What?

E: Most seemed to be filled with unreasonable violence...

Me: *shaking my* Unreasonable violence huh??? What am I gonna do with you??

E: *very nonchalantly says* Love me.

Ummmmm...OK

March 19, 2007

Breakfast:
1/2 cup of oatmeal
8oz of Orange Juice (Simply Orange...this is simply the best brand in my opinion)
tea (it was freezing in my office)

Snack:
1/3 cup of dried fruit and nut mix

Lunch:
Crunchy Peanut butter and Strawberry Jelly sandwich on whole grain bread
(The peanut butter is reduced fat and the jelly is sugar-free)

Snack:
2 handfuls of dried cranberries

Dinner:
Greek salad (I made it myself yummy and I used reduced fat feta cheese....Love it)
Chinese bake chicken
Macaroni and cheese (just a small spoonful)

Snack:
Dried Cranberries (I am so addicted)

I did great today except for my water intake...UGH I forgot my water bottle. I know that is no excuse but I need my bottle to remind me to drink otherwise I forget...I know I have issues...LOL!!!

On The Hunt...

I discovered sugar free jolly ranchers a few weeks ago at a Cub Scouting event. I am always weary of the label sugar free, because generally it means taste free as well, but since I am on a journey to finding low fat, low-sugar alternatives I decided to give them a try. They are delicious!! And they even passed the kid test E liked them too. I thought all I had to do was go to my local grocery store and the great sugar free jolly rancher goodness would be there in abundance waiting for me. But no such luck. I have been to no less then 4 establishments on the hunt for these candies and have not found one morsel. Surely I must be blind because they can't be that difficult to find. Anyway, if you anyone knows where I can find them in the D.C. Metro area let a chick know, because I am seriously feigning.

My Calm, Peaceful, Perfectly Boring Day

Today is the start of my week long spring break and it has come not a moment too soon. The schedule I am keeping is about to kill me and my poor body needs a break. The fact that I actually slept until 10 a.m. this morning has totally led me to the conclusion that I needed a rest day.

Any other day whether it is a week day or a weekend I am up before the sun. In fact I don't even fall asleep until well past midnight most days and if I'm lucky my internal alarm wakes me no later than 5:30 a.m. sharp. If I'm not so lucky my internal alarm wakes me up every hour between 1 and 5 a.m. …UGH.

Today was a pretty good day. It was nice and calm and perfectly boring...I woke-up to my son pretty much staring me down. He wanted to watch television as he does every Sunday morning and since I wasn't already up he was probably wondering if it was safe to wake me. So when I finally opened my eyes all I saw was a face staring back at me not really the first thing I wanted to see, but he did give me a rousing "Good Morning, Mommy" before he asked whether or not he was allowed to watch television. I pretty much burst his little bubble when I told him no, because he had to finish cleaning up his room. I then tried rolling over and going back to sleep so I could finish the great dream I was having, but of course no such luck.

I turned on the television and began my Sunday morning ritual of watching all of my favorite political shows. Meet The Press with Tim Russert was already on and my old buddy Tim was steadily engaged in an interview with Senator Chuck Schumer (D-NY). They were discussing the fallout for the administration regarding all of the sudden firings of the U.S. Attorneys. Next was his round table and as always he had on a remarkable group there was Tom Andrews of the Win Without War organization, former House Majority Leader Tom Delay (R-TX), Richard Perle of AEI and Rep. Joe Sestak (D-Pa). They were discussing the Iraq war, as if that topic is not done to death, but what they had to say was interesting to say the least. If you click on the link you will find video clips and transcript of the show for today.

Next I rolled my self out of bed to make our Sunday morning breakfast. This morning we had pancakes and turkey bacon...yummy. I don't ordinarily make pancakes, but E requested it and I obliged because I like to see him happy.

I had planned on going to my grandparent’s house today, so we could see them before they go on their annual cruise next Sunday, but I still had to wash my hair and grocery shop for the week. They live a little over an hour away and I would not have been able to stay as long as I liked, so I called and postponed our visit until next Saturday. I can't wait to see them because I simply adore my grandparents they are really cool people.

We finally got ourselves ready enough to go to the grocery store and I remembered I had promised E I would make him homemade baked macaroni and cheese, because that is his favorite dish, so I gathered up everything we needed and came home.

The rest of the day I just cooked, listened to E's excessive chatter and just enjoyed a peaceful day. I really wish everyday could be like this and I feel reenergized and ready to face another full week of work, Cub Scout meetings, gym, and school work. I have a term paper due in a couple of weeks, so even though this is spring break I will still busy with working my paper.

I hope your Sunday was just as great!!!

Mistakes Were Made...

My new least favorite phrase...
Every time I hear one of these two men say it I just cringe. I'm thinking YAY you finally admit it. What do you want a cookie?!?! Don't just stand there and make speeches do something about it...humph!!

Reflection

As you know yesterday was not my best day. But after really examining the situation it really wasn't my worst day either. Just the worst day I have had in a few months and everything just hit me all at once. I decided that tonight I am only going to post about the good things that happened for me this week, because I have a tendency to just focus on the bad. I am seriously trying to break that habit.

Sunday: E and I were invited to CreoleinDC's house where we met the REDS. Dinner was absolutely delicious and the company was divinely fabulous!!! E and Mini-Red became instant friends and she even taught him a new dance and was caught on tape by the always ready with a camera Creole.


Monday: I found out my son was selected to be one of Montgomery County, Maryland's Students of Excellece. I am so very proud of him, because he has worked so hard to turn himself around. Last school year we had a lot of complications, but we have overcome them. YAY!!!!

Tuesday: Nothing really spectacular happened, but after work I went to the gym and ran 3 miles on the treadmill even though I REALLY did not feel like it. I was able to conquer mind over matter and I am very proud of that. Go Me!!!

Wednesday: My son and I woke up and we were both blessed with life that is a great accomplishment. A whole lot of people went to sleep on Tuesday night and did not have the chance to wake-up on Wednesday.

Thursday: I received my grade for my midterm in Political Science. It was not the A I was expecting and I kinda went off the deep end because I NEVER get lower than an A. I e-mailed my professor and argued that a couple of the questions she asked were very ambiguous. She is is taking my arguments into consideration, and hopefully she will see it my way.

Friday: Today was family night and E and I played bingo at his after school club. We had a great time even though we didn't win any of the 10 games we played. The club had Outback cater the event and we got our grub on. It was very nice and I sat with a group of ladies and their kids that were much fun to be around.

Despite my little set back this week I had a very nice time and have a lot to be grateful for. I know next week is going to be even better!!!

March 16, 2007

Breakfast:
1/2 cup oatmeal
1/2 Krispie Kreme (they are my weakness and some evil person brought them into the office today)
1 cup of decaf tea

Snack:
I was so busy skipped it, besides I had 1/2 a doughnut.

Lunch:
Left over paella (Boy, it was good I will have to share the recipe)


Snack:
again skipped it work was killing me today


Dinner:
Today we had Outback for dinner
1oz of steak
3oz piece of chicken
baked potato w/ butter and sour cream
small ceasar salad
Sprite

I didn't do the best today, but way better than yesterday.

March 15, 2007

Breakfast:

1/2 cup oatmeal

Lunch:
salad
w/ catalina dressing
1/2 dried cranberries
small piece of cake

Today was not a good day and I completely lost it. I am sooooo ashamed of myself, but dang I needed some comfort. I don't have anyone to go home to other than a 8 year-old and I have to take care of him. I woke-up just sad and the day just progressively got worst as it went on, and thus so did my eating, because I needed something. I can't afford to shop, I am single and drinking a bottle of wine is a bad idea, so food is my only real luxury. I didn't even get the good stuff either I settled for:

Snack:
Large French Fries
2 apple pies
I almost went for the milkshake, but decided against it.

This was all at about 5pm and the worst part is I turned around and had dinner which consisted of:

Dinner:
1 cup of seafood Paella
4 tauquitos

I managed only 2 small glasses of water today and I skipped the gym. I really should have gone,but I was just too tired I slept so bad last night even after taking a sleeping pill. I finally became desperate enough to try one a whole 2 months after my doctor prescribed them.

Why did I eat all of this food? Because I just felt so empty.

Today I felt like what is the point in working so hard. I have worked hard for most of my life and I am still stuck in the same boat it seems. Why bother to stay fit and healthy? No man even takes a second look at me anyway. Why bother to finish school? I will never get that dream job with the great pay and health benefits. Why bother to write this blog? Only couple of people read it. What is the point of my life??? I am tired and frustrated and I might as well just give up, because I am just sick of working so hard for nothing.

When I ate the food today I didn't feel empty anymore at least not for that moment. Eating gave me an easy high that I didn't have to work for and it came instantly.
It.
Felt.
So.
Good.

Then the guilt set in and...I...felt so horrible that I did something that I thought I had finally conquered. Something that I haven't done in about two years, but I needed to get back in control of myself, so I did it. I purged. Now I am afraid. Afraid that I may get out of control again.

I treated my body like a beat-up broke down car today, because that is how I feel today like a used up beat up old car that nobody loves.



Edited to add: Today is March 16th and after re-reading my menu for yesterday I realized I didn't do THAT bad food wise. Yes I made a bad choice going to the drive-thru, but I stopped from going overboard like I have done in the past. Now I have to pick myself up and start again fresh today. I am NOT going to let one day set me back on two years of progress. I AM NOT. Thanks Tndrhrt.

March 14, 2007

Breakfast:
1/2 cup oatmeal (notice a trend?)
Green tea

Snack:
1/3 cup of walnuts and dried cranberries


Lunch:
salad
w/ light catalina dressing

Snack:
1/3 cup of dried cranberries (I am so addicted to them)


Dinner:
1 cup of seafood paella (scallops, shrimp, veggies and brown rice)
3 taquitos

Snack:
Mango

I only had 1 cup of water today...I was so busy at work today I barely had any time to drink that. In fact I didn't hardly have anything to drink today. I am going drink about 20oz before bed.

The Storm-part 1

One Wednesday morning I woke-up and I felt this dark cloud hanging over me. I literally could not get myself out of bed no matter how much I willed myself too. I certainly could not go into work that day, because the feeling I felt was something very familiar yet all together different. So I did what any red-blooded American would do I called into my office sick, but I had no idea just how sick I really was.

About a half-hour later I finally dragged myself out of bed long enough to wake up my 5 year-old son and get him off to school. Still clad in my pajamas and slippers I threw a coat over myself and headed out the door. I dropped my child off at school and then went back home and back to my bed. I just laid there feeling empty and sad very, very sad like my world had just come crashing down around me. At that moment I began to formulate a plan.

The night before the guy that I had been seeing told me that he did not want to see me any more. I became so upset and enraged at myself, because I knew it had to be something that I had done. He said that he just wasn’t ready for a relationship. But what I heard was, that I wasn’t good enough. He said that I was a sweet person but that he had some issues with himself he needed to work on. But what I heard was, you are just too ugly, fat and crazy for me. I. Was. Devastated. But not for the reasons I thought.

I quickly turned to a bottle of wine that a friend a had given me months before and one glass turned to two and two to three and the next thing I knew the whole bottle was gone. I cried. I cried for hours and I belittled myself and I felt like it was the end of my world. "Not again!!!" I shouted over and over until the tight feeling in my chest prevented me to say another word and I just continued to silently sob until I finally fell to sleep with thoughts of how much I hated me dancing in my head.

When I woke up that Wednesday morning, I had no idea how my life would change from there. I had no idea what was coming up for me, but what happened next started me on a journey that changed my life…

March 13, 2007

Menu for today:

Breakfast:
1/2 oatmeal
1 cup of tea

Snack:
1/3 Cup of walnuts and dried cranberries


Lunch:
garden salad
w/ 1 Tbs. light catalina dressing
Handful of dried cranberries


Snack:
1/3 cup of walnuts and dried cranberries
hot tea (my office was chilly today)

Today was a run day, so I ran three miles on the treadmill at the gym.
Dinner:
Left over shrimp primavera

Snack:
3 cups of popcorn (100 calories)


Still didn't make my water goal, but got about 40oz in today.

Anyone Remember This Movie?

I came across this article today:
http://health.msn.com/pregnancykids/pregnancy/zogby_designerbabies.aspx
It reminded me of the movie Gattaca starring Ethan Hawke and Uma Thurman. I loved the movie, because it was sci-fi and very intriguing. But according to the scientist this technology is merely years away and we are moving very close to actually being able to have "designer babies".

I've seen a lot of articles over the last year or so pertaining to this very subject and every time I finish reading one of them I am left with a very uneasy feeling. I am not going to lie to you the thought of cloning and genetically engineering fetuses’ scares the hell out of me. Can you imagine a world full of perfect people?? Think about that for a second...the thought just made me shiver.

I can see that there can be some benefits in being able to genetically engineer fetuses, so that they will not born with pre-disposition for some genetic disease. But that is about as far as I would go with it, and I am not even sure about that. The temptation will be just too great for some people to build the bigger, smarter, faster kid. I mean people are going to want to be the proud parents of the next Bill Gates or Michael Jordan, and instead of just working with what they are naturally given they will just engineer them in the womb.

Unfortunately the possibilities are endless and I am hoping that this technology is highly regulated and enforced. Although I don't believe for a second that it will stop anyone from eventually attempting building the perfect human.


Anywhoo, tell me what you think...

Do you agree with being able to design your kids? If so why?

March 12, 2007

I've decided to start a daily food journal, so that I can keep accountability of everything I put into my body. I don't have the worse diet in the world and I pretty much maintain my weight, but I know I can do much better. I am hoping doing this will help me develop an even more healthful eating habits. I will probably cheat every once in a while, but as long as I don't go over board I should be just fine. I am also going to greatly increase my water intake currently I drink between 20 and 40 oz a day, but I am going to work on making it to at least 60 oz a day. Here is what I ate today:

Breakfast:
1 cup of oatmeal
1 cup of caffeine free tea

Snack:
1/3 cup of dried fruit and nut mix
water


Lunch:
turkey sandwich on whole grain bread
water

Snack:
small piece of cake (today was March b-day celebrations at work)

Dinner:
shrimp primavera(1 cup of pasta, with lots of veggies and shrimp)
grilled salmon
water

Now this is where I usually lose all my points. I like to snack when I'm studying and I usually make bad choices. Lately I have been loading up with lots of celery sticks and carrot sticks to snack on.

Snack:
celery sticks
reduced fat french onion dip

I have been drinking water through out the day, but I still haven't made it to my 60oz. Better luck tomorrow.

Nickelback: "If Everyone Cared"

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this band and have been feeling this song in particular for the last few weeks. Great message!!

Ever Wake Up Mad??

Darkness is closing in on me today. I don't know if it is the weather or what. Today I just woke up PISSED off and feeling like I could just blow-up any second. Lil' E must have felt something was up with me this morning, because when I woke him up he greeted me with a "Good Morning, Mommy" and a big hug. Usually he is in a VERY foul mood and either growls under his breath a "Good Morning" or says nothing at all. I can not wait to get home and be away from all of these phoney women I work with. Blech !!! I just can't take the fake kindness today. Why can't people just be real? I can't stand these lazy heffas..humph!! I am just going to hold on to the memory of my son's hug to carry me through the rest of this day.

Saturday Morning Run

This past weekend I went for a run with on of my co-workers, I will call her Jo. When I woke up Saturday morning I was ever so excited because the weather was beautiful and it was nice to look forward to having someone to run with.

We were supposed to meet at 10:30am, so I woke-up at my usual time about 6:45am took a quick shower to wake-up and woke my son. I made him breakfast and ate a little something myself (1/2 cup of vanilla yogurt with a sprinkle of granola and dried cranberries) just so I wouldn't pass out later. We left the house about 8:30am and I drove to Bethesda to drop Lil' E off at religious school which start's promptly at 9am. We actually made it with time to spare which hardly ever happens.

I still had about an hour and half to spare, so I decided to run some errands. It is so much easier to do my shopping alone. I am in and out and I don't have to hear "Mommy, can I have_____", every time we pass something that is considered "cool" or a "must-have" in little boy world. Which causes me to have to avoid every, toy, electronic, video game and candy aisle within 20 feet, but I am getting off track here...

I needed some hair detangler from Aveda amongst some other things from Sephora, so I decided to go to Montgomery Mall, which used to be my most favoritist (yeah I know that is not a real word) mall in the world to hang out at as teenager. Well, when I got there I was pleasantly surprised to see there weren’t very many cars yet, because I HATE crowds, but there were still enough cars in the parking lot to let me know there was some activity going on. I went inside and to my dismay all the stores were still closed. It was about 9:15am by then and well if you haven't figured it out by now I don't frequent the mall much and had no idea the stores don't open until...hell I still don't know what time they open, but I know it's not 9am at least not on Saturdays. I found myself in the midst of the mall walker's club and about to be trampled on by a bunch of old... erra seasoned adults. I got the heck out of there and fast.

Next, I hopped back in my car and headed to Tar-jay, and grabbed a few things that I needed from there. It was about 10:15 and I was thinking I better leave the store or I will never make it to our meet-up spot when my cell phone rang and it was Jo telling me that she was running about 15 minutes behind. GREAT!!! Now I have enough time to drop my stuff home and make a much needed pit stop. Whooohooo...

When I finally arrived at the spot I got out the car and proceeded to stretch and to pray that I didn't humiliate myself. When Jo arrived she got out of her SUV and asked which way should we run? It didn't really matter to me since I never ran on this particular road before so she chose the route and it was a nice leisurely jog downhill (I will get back to this hill later) and we were running and talking until I really couldn't quite catch my breath. I always have trouble getting started that first mile is shock to my system, but she was doing just fine. Me being me and having quite a competitive edge although I don't like to admit it I didn't say a word but this long slow incline we were running up was steadily kicking my azz. I wasn't gonna let this broad think I was a punk though. No way, No how. I just kept running one foot in front of the other.

Well, we ran about 2 miles we were going pretty slow half-way time was about 22-minutes, which is WAAAAAAY off my personal best, but I am still just in the beginning of my training and considering that a month ago I couldn't run two miles without stopping that time was great. We stopped at her request for about 30 seconds and walked for about 30 seconds then took off again this time pretty much the whole way back was downhill...YAY!!! We talked...well...uh she mostly talked I listened it is amazing what people tell you during the course of a good run. Then remember that nice hill we started our run going down...that's right you guessed it we had to go back up and let me tell you I had no idea how steep that sucker was while we were heading down it, but this mug was a beast again me being me I ran up it like a trooper. She ended up punking out about half way up and told me to go on without her so I ran with all of my might until I reached the corner...man, what a RUSH!! I waited for her at the stop light and we ran the rest of the way together. We ran a little over 4 miles total and all under 40 minutes...I was very pleased.

Anyway, I wrote all of this to say that I had a GREAT time and we made plans to run together again this coming Saturday. I hope we run the same route because the hills are great conditioning. What can I say... I love to torture myself. Weird huh??

Now if I can only find a really great and inexpensive masseuse...

I am preparing to run my first race in over...ummm...let's just say it's been a really long time. I decided in preparation for the big race, the Marine Corp Marathon, that I should try and do smaller events just to prep and try to get accustomed to running next to whole bunch of other sweaty people again....yuck.

Pike's Peek is being held in Rockville on April 29th starting at 8am. It is a 10K which is about 6 miles and I am so excited that I decided to take the plunge and do it. At this point in my current training the furthest I have run is 4 miles, but I am hoping by the end of April I am running about 7 miles for my long run. Wow...it is already March I better get moving then...

One of my co-worker's who is an avid runner will be running in the event too. In fact we are going running together this morning and hopefully this will be the beginning of a great running relationship since I absolutely hate running alone.

As I alluded to before this not my first time running or even training for an event with the exception with a few rogue years I have been running my whole life and I have thousands of miles under my belt. Even still I know I need a lot of help on prepping for my first marathon and I have tons of questions from what to wear to what to eat.

Well, anyway I will have to get into all of my questions later... I gotta run. Literally.

Lack of Concentration

My mind is full of chaos and I can't concentrate...I don't know what is wrong with me. I keep starting my homework assignments and then I get completely distracted and I can't really do the great job I set out to do. I do well, but I know I could do so much better if I could just keep my mind on the task at hand.

It is so freaking frustrating. My mind wonders and I think about everything else except for the work that I am assigned to do. I try working in complete silence but the noise in my head just gets worse. I listen to music, turn on the T.V for background noise...it gets a little better, but then I hear "Mommy" and my rhythm gets all screwed up again. I am up half the night answering questions it should take at most an hour to respond to. HELP ME!!! Will someone please give me a solution before I lose my mind!!!

This probably the reason I end up with so many unfinished projects...huh???
I would be a baaad girl if I could only concentrate on one thing at a time...Sigh...
I am working on it but it is KILLING ME!!!!
Will somebody please help me... pretty please...

Any Publicity is Good Publicity

This morning I heard on the news that a local radio station bailed Bobby Brown out of jail in exchange for one week of work. Hmmmmm...ummmm... yeah...ok.

Then as I was driving to work the radio station in question, whore 99.5 FM (yeah I said it), specifically the morning D.J. was acting all flabbergasted, confused and furious because allegedly Mr. Brown, being the upstanding citizen that he is backed out on the deal. Go figure...

The D.J., who shall remain nameless, sounded pretty upset and was saying in order to get the money from his bosses he basically put his azz on the line. He stated that he was trying to put a positive spin on Mr. Brown's situation by having him come here and give back to the community. Sigh...

Is it just me or is something really whack about this whole situation? I do not believe for one second he had to put his azz on the line to get the money for this fiasco. Sell that mess to someone else I am just not buying it. Clear Channel radio, which happens to own this radio station uses $19,000 as toilet paper and I am sure had no real problem with wanting a notorious name such as Bobby Brown on one of their failing radio stations that happens to be in one of the top 10 markets in the country. I guarantee regardless of what happens with Mr. Brown, dude will still have his job next week.

Now to the problem at hand, what in the name of all things good was having Bobby Brown on a D.C. Radio show going to do for the community?? Nothing. In fact Bobby's crime was not even for subjecting the community to any damage well... unless you count his show "Being Bobby Brown", which in my opinion was just tortuous to watch and if I could get away with it I would sue him for the 30 minutes I spent watching it. Anyway I digress...

Bobby was in jail for not paying child support, so to me that means the only people he needs to give back to are the ones he created. His Children!!!

Needless to say this whole thing was just a publicity stunt to make the new D.J. look edgier and the radio station a household name in the D.C. Metropolitan area. And they are getting TONS of it just. Bobby Brown is faring just as well even though it makes him look like the biggest jerk in the world, his name has been everywhere today.

I guess it just goes to show the old adage is true any publicity is good publicity...

I have a friend in pain today...

I wish I knew something I could do to make her feel better, but I know nothing I say will help. I know that this is a battle she has to fight within herself and only she has the strength to bring herself through.

I know that tomorrow will be a better day for her even if right now she doesn't think she will get through another hour. I know that she is a fighter and that she has that winning spirit. If there is anyone that I know who is a survivor she is the one.

I have a friend in pain today...

I just want to let her know that she is loved by many and she will feel better very soon. Not because her family and friends know this to be true, but because she herself will make it that way.

I love you Chica...let it out and come back to us when your ready.

Invisible Girl

She never wanted anyone to notice her, or to pick on her, or even praise her for that matter. There were so many times in school when she knew the answer to a question, but she never raised her hand. There was so many times when she let other people take credit for something she did. She can't even count the number of times when she skipped out on an award ceremony where she was supposed to be honored. Why?? She just didn't want to stand out in a crowd.

She wanted to be the invisible girl. She just wanted to disappear.

And so she did…

Her spirit died and it took all of her zest for life with it too… guess that's what abuse to a young girl can do.

It wasn't always that way she started out so outgoing and full of life. She wasn't afraid of anything and she had the confidence it took most girls a lifetime to achieve. She was a gorgeous child and talented too. She was in dance classes, gymnastics, and drama and did beauty pageants. Fearless just fearless she never backed down from anything.

She wanted to be a dancer. She wanted to be a star.

But she never got the chance to see it through… guess that's what abuse to a young girl can do.

She grew-up and just existed in the shell of a life she created. She just went through day by day always hiding her true self. Always afraid to let others into her world for fear they would see her pain and not understand. She acted as if she wanted to be left alone when the truth was she wanted to be included.

She really wanted friends. She just didn't know how to reah out for them.

For this she cried herself to sleep more than a time or two... guess that's what abuse to a young girl can do.

How sad I am for that little girl even to this day. I cry when I think of all of her potential draining away. It is not fair that someone can just come along and kill a spirit such as hers. No one can find that confident vibrant girl and bring her back to the life she was meant to have.

But I try...

Everyday I try and it gets a little easier…

A little easier to hear her easy laughter echoing from the shadows. A little easier to see a flicker of her beautiful smile. I can see that the invisible girl is blossoming into a very visible woman. Slowly she is evolving and becoming stronger with each new day. But the reality of it is she will never really know how sweet her life could have been.

The story is sad and for so many it's true.

This is what abuse to a young girl can do...