Kicking Azz and Taking Names...

My therapist, Sandy, has finally figured me out and it only took her two years. Well I can't really blame her I am a really hard nut to crack...get it...NUT...LOL!! Yeah I am certifiable, but then again who isn't. I was thinking about getting rid of her, but I hate having to break-in new people and since she has made this break through I think I will give her a few more months to see if this new technique works. She wants me to try art therapy, but the trouble is I do not have an artistic bone in my body. I wish I did, because I am truly an art lover...sigh. I am open to it...just skeptical. I'm not really a sit and draw type person and I think that it will kind of stifle me. I have been looking into dance therapy for a back-up. I'm really a physical person nothing makes me more relaxed then getting out and doing something like working out or dancing.

Sandy also said that we are going to start diving into some really heavy stuff. The thing I have most dreaded is about to happen...so here it goes I am going to be broken down and hopefully put back together again the right way. I am looking forward to it actually but I'm really scared. I want to come out of this prison I have been in for so long. I want to be FREE!!! I really do, but I have been "institutionalized" for so long that really reaching down and getting past all of my mental blocks is going to be difficult.

I know most people wont understand what I mean, but Sandy says that unless you have been through it or have seen it in regards with someone you love then it is hard to understand how truly hard it is for someone to beat depression. There is really no right way, because everyone is different and does not manifest depression the same.

For instance I am a very internal person and I tend to blame myself for all the abuse I suffered as a child. I know it was not my fault logically, but since the people at fault are not right in front of me to blame it is easier to just look in the mirror and point out all of the things I could have tried to do to stop it. Unfortunately there really was nothing I could have done...

I am not writing this post to bring anyone down I am writing it as a bit of therapy for myself. In fact I actually started this post over a month ago and I actually can see a difference in how I have been feeling. I am a fighter, a survivor and I always have been but I let depression kick me in the azz far too long and now I am recharged and I am ready to Kick ITS AZZ RIGHT BACK!!

Flying Trapeze Class!!!

I and a few FANTABULOUS Ladies decided to step outside the box and take a flying trapeze lesson. It was soooooo much fun and the most exhilirating thing I have done since I left the military in 2004. Here is a little video clip of my debut as a circus performer.

Being a bit introspective...

as usual sorry for not posting for awhile, but I really needed to get a grip.

You know what I wish for more than anything... I wish I could just wake up one morning and be at peace. I have spent so much time trying to fill this emptiness that I have in my soul that I think I've missed the point. I am probably not making a lick of sense, but I am too tired to explain at the moment. Just know that I am O.K. and that I am working on trying to live my best life.

I started this blog to help me keep track of all the goals I have set for myself some big and some small. Unfortunately running the Marine Corp Marathon was a goal that I did not meet this year, but I was just to busy to train properly. I am not going to give up though one day I will get across that finish line even if I have to be pushed in my wheel chair by one of my future grandchildren...LOL!

I know I am going all over the place with this post, but my thoughts are very erratic so please try and keep up.

My goal to finish my Bachelor's degree is slowly coming to fruition...I am taking two classes this semester and then I will have exactly 24 credit hours left. Who-hoo!!! I FINALLY see the light and I am so proud that I have kept at this all these years. Now I have to figure out what it is I want to do with my life next...Do I try and get into Law School or do I just go for my Master's Degree. I've always wanted to be a lawyer, but I guess I am doubting whether or not if I really have what it takes and man it will be a long hard road to travel...I guess I better decide soon since I am going to have to find a grants and scholarship opportunities from somewhere.

I received E's interim progress report this week. He has decent grades so far except for in math. I am going to start making him do extra math practice on the weekends. I know I am mean, but he is too smart to be getting bad grades in any subject. We are gonna pull out his multiplication flash cards and find some fun math computer programs to work with. I am determined this child get at least a partial academic scholarship for college.

Well I can see is getting long so I am going to stop for now...