I'M IN LOVE....

I think I may have found the one that have been searching for my whole life.



Now isn't this puppy just precious? It is a miniature g.olden do.odle. I had never heard of such a breed until one of the attorney's at my job brought hers into work last week. Sophie is the most adorable little puppy EVER!!! And I know some totally adorable dogs, so that is saying a lot coming from me. Of course Sophie is twice as cute as the puppy in the picture and already so well behaved too. I WANT ONE!!! Sigh...

One of my first purchases after I finally buy a house will be to get a dog, and I think a miniature g.olden do.odle may be it for me.

I am so Honored

I have been given my first blogger award by Anali's first Amendment and I am sooo excited. Thank you Anali for your kind words and thinking of me for this honor.

This award recently originated here.

Now it is my turn to bestow this award on women I think deserves the credibility and the exposure.

In honor of her promoting a healthy lifestyle and just being a overall real fabulous person I am giving this award to Lola Granola. Please check her out if you have not already.


I would also like to give this award to Gladys for having a blog that I read everyday that is full of hope,love and honesty and for being an all around great person in general.

Focus

*"Forgive
Sounds good
Forget
I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting..."

Sunday night I was a bit upset for no real reason. I was a bit uneasy and figured I was just a little stressed out from school work and having to deal with a bratty child all weekend. I had a really restless night and at some point between all of my tossing and turning I knew what was happening. DAMN!!! As much as I tried to I fight it I woke up on Monday morning filled with rage. I mean deep seeded rage...the kind that makes you wanna scream and scream and SCREAM!!!!

There are days when anger just consumes me and there is nothing I can do about it but ride it out and hope it passes quickly. These are the kind of days I wish I could just hide out in my house and not be around anyone. These are the kind of days sick leave was made for, but since I have this amazing feeling of obligation I can not just call-in sick stay away from people until my mind is right. I need to pick myself and face the public and hope that the poor unsuspecting cashier behind the counter at Star.bucks gets my order right or she will have HELL to pay.

I get so frustrated with myself, because I wish that I could just forget about it all and just live the life I am meant to live. I can't. I try. But I just can't or maybe I just don't know how.

I need to figure out some way to take control of my life. It's just when I think I have everything in my grasp something happens to send me into a tailspin. I need to pick one thing that I can control and run with it. There is just soooo much out there flapping in the wind I am not sure where to start. If I could just have one thing work out for me right now then maybe I will have the faith I need to keep on trucking, but my whole life is up in the air at the moment and I am not a person who is good unless I am on solid ground. I need to be grounded or I need to be able to hold on to someone who grounded. I mean really hold on to them and have them keep me focused about my life.

I want to apologize to you all because I have really lost focus of what this blog is supposed to be about. I am tired of writing about my struggle with depression and my life just as much as you are probably tired of reading it. But alas, this is my reality right now. I don't know a whole lot but I know about my misery and so that is all I have to share.

There is still so much I need to learn and the more blogs I read the more inadequate I feel. I know that writing that just shows how insecure I really am and I really shouldn't put it out there, but here I am opening up my soul.

To be honest I feel like I don't really have a soul. Most days I feel like a fraud or an impostor. That I am trying to be someone I am not just to fit in to this society...this world. I feel like my soul was taken from me the moment the first person put their hands on me. I mean I was just a child and somebody stole the very thing I needed to function normally as a person emotionally. For over 20 years I have felt that everyone could see right through me see that I really don't belong.

I have been searching for someone, some place, some religion, some career, some THING to fill this void that is in me, but nothing ever does. I know that I am the only one that can do it, but I just really don't know how. I have tried everything I can think of and I always end up at square one.

Anyway I am just rambling now...I've decided to challenge myself a little and course correct to my original focus of this blog about achieving my goals. I am going to take a few days off to get things started, but hopefully I will come back with a more positive mind set.

*"I'm through, with doubt,
There's nothing left for me to figure out,
I've paid a price, and i'll keep paying..."

* Dixie Chicks-Not Ready To Make Nice

WAKE UP CALL!!!!!!!

Tell me something. Why is Adam Levine so darn cute????



I hope you enjoyed that nice musical interlude, if you haven't please go ahead and listen to the song I will wait.

Good you're back. Great song isn't it? Anyway this post is not about the content of the song, but I really like the title. You see I have basically cleaned house in the way where I have cleaned out all of the bad influences in my life and I am trying to make a fresh start. This year I focused completely on me and my son and tried to figure out what it is that I need to do with my life. I thought I finally could start getting things in my life together and really start living and being the person that I was put on this earth to be. The trouble is I still haven't the foggiest idea...

I have been looking for my wake-up call all year and nothing!! In fact I am more confused than ever. I always wanted to be a lawyer ever since I was a little girl, but the truth is I just wanted to make enough money to not be poor anymore. I am not sure where my passions lie. I don't really know what I want to be when I grow-up and considering that I will be 30 any day now and I have a small child to raise I really should have figured this out years ago.

I feel like I am so behind the power curve...I am just now seeing the light at the end of the tunnel on getting my undergrad degree. There is still so much to learn and for me to do to reach my goal of being an attorney, but meanwhile I have this little kid depending on me to give him direction. How in the hell can I give him direction when I am still flapping in the wind.

I guess what I really want to know is how do people know what they are passionate about ? What will truly make them happy? How do you know when you are truly good at something? I mean yes I am passionate about a lot of things but I don't seem to be good enough to do any of it. I know this probably the depression talking, but damn I feel like I have just missed out on some chapter on life that everyone else has figured out and I am still in the dark.

I need a wake-up call. I need something...

I'm so tired of this shit.

Kicking Azz and Taking Names...

My therapist, Sandy, has finally figured me out and it only took her two years. Well I can't really blame her I am a really hard nut to crack...get it...NUT...LOL!! Yeah I am certifiable, but then again who isn't. I was thinking about getting rid of her, but I hate having to break-in new people and since she has made this break through I think I will give her a few more months to see if this new technique works. She wants me to try art therapy, but the trouble is I do not have an artistic bone in my body. I wish I did, because I am truly an art lover...sigh. I am open to it...just skeptical. I'm not really a sit and draw type person and I think that it will kind of stifle me. I have been looking into dance therapy for a back-up. I'm really a physical person nothing makes me more relaxed then getting out and doing something like working out or dancing.

Sandy also said that we are going to start diving into some really heavy stuff. The thing I have most dreaded is about to happen...so here it goes I am going to be broken down and hopefully put back together again the right way. I am looking forward to it actually but I'm really scared. I want to come out of this prison I have been in for so long. I want to be FREE!!! I really do, but I have been "institutionalized" for so long that really reaching down and getting past all of my mental blocks is going to be difficult.

I know most people wont understand what I mean, but Sandy says that unless you have been through it or have seen it in regards with someone you love then it is hard to understand how truly hard it is for someone to beat depression. There is really no right way, because everyone is different and does not manifest depression the same.

For instance I am a very internal person and I tend to blame myself for all the abuse I suffered as a child. I know it was not my fault logically, but since the people at fault are not right in front of me to blame it is easier to just look in the mirror and point out all of the things I could have tried to do to stop it. Unfortunately there really was nothing I could have done...

I am not writing this post to bring anyone down I am writing it as a bit of therapy for myself. In fact I actually started this post over a month ago and I actually can see a difference in how I have been feeling. I am a fighter, a survivor and I always have been but I let depression kick me in the azz far too long and now I am recharged and I am ready to Kick ITS AZZ RIGHT BACK!!

Flying Trapeze Class!!!

I and a few FANTABULOUS Ladies decided to step outside the box and take a flying trapeze lesson. It was soooooo much fun and the most exhilirating thing I have done since I left the military in 2004. Here is a little video clip of my debut as a circus performer.

Being a bit introspective...

as usual sorry for not posting for awhile, but I really needed to get a grip.

You know what I wish for more than anything... I wish I could just wake up one morning and be at peace. I have spent so much time trying to fill this emptiness that I have in my soul that I think I've missed the point. I am probably not making a lick of sense, but I am too tired to explain at the moment. Just know that I am O.K. and that I am working on trying to live my best life.

I started this blog to help me keep track of all the goals I have set for myself some big and some small. Unfortunately running the Marine Corp Marathon was a goal that I did not meet this year, but I was just to busy to train properly. I am not going to give up though one day I will get across that finish line even if I have to be pushed in my wheel chair by one of my future grandchildren...LOL!

I know I am going all over the place with this post, but my thoughts are very erratic so please try and keep up.

My goal to finish my Bachelor's degree is slowly coming to fruition...I am taking two classes this semester and then I will have exactly 24 credit hours left. Who-hoo!!! I FINALLY see the light and I am so proud that I have kept at this all these years. Now I have to figure out what it is I want to do with my life next...Do I try and get into Law School or do I just go for my Master's Degree. I've always wanted to be a lawyer, but I guess I am doubting whether or not if I really have what it takes and man it will be a long hard road to travel...I guess I better decide soon since I am going to have to find a grants and scholarship opportunities from somewhere.

I received E's interim progress report this week. He has decent grades so far except for in math. I am going to start making him do extra math practice on the weekends. I know I am mean, but he is too smart to be getting bad grades in any subject. We are gonna pull out his multiplication flash cards and find some fun math computer programs to work with. I am determined this child get at least a partial academic scholarship for college.

Well I can see is getting long so I am going to stop for now...