Yesterday...

I wrote a post that was so dark and so twisted that I'm sure if I posted it the police would have been waiting for me at my front door when I came home. I realize now that this bloggiing thing is not really my thing at least not right now, because I can not be free to express myself in a way that I need to. I hold back for fear of what the people who know me may think or feel and since that is one of my main issues in the "real" world I'm not getting the much needed theraputic benefits of just being heard. Not that it matters since no one really ever reads my blog I've decided to shut things down for a few months. I think I am just going to take the rest of the year off. I have a lot of thinking to do. I have a lot of decisions to make. I need to get a part-time job anyway, so the little free time I do have will be gone anyway.

I'm trying y'all I really, really am. I don't think it would upset me so much if I wasn't. I don't think I would have so many lows if I didn't care at all. I wish I would have met some of you many years ago before I gave up. I used to be fun and full of light and hope despite all of my demons. Then something happened...something happened that not only hurt me but humiliated me so badly that my hope disappeared. I hate who I am right now. I want to get back the person I was. I just have no idea where she is.

I know all I need to do is think positive and all will be ok. I know all I need to do is get over it and all will be well. I know all I need to do is stop dwelling and all will be better. Maybe if I go buy me a new stylish pair of shoes...oh but wait I'm broke. Maybe if I just go out on a date...oh wait I don't like anyone and I shouldn't date anyone I don't like...hmmmmm.... Well this is going to be harder then I thought.

I need help. I just can't afford it or have the time to get the help I need. I can't do this alone anymore. I can literally feel my sanity slipping away...

This is such ridiculous BULL SHIT!!!

Happy Happy Joy Joy!!!

Dear God

Why must you keep punishing me? Can I please just have a break? I mean every time it seems things are going to get better. BAM!!!! Some other shit happens...I might as well stay on the ground and never bother to soar. I guess I just like to keep getting smacked. I don't know how much longer I can take this. I need an anchor something tangible that I can hold on to. I feel like I have nothing left to give, but you keep asking me for more. How much lower can I get? I have nothing!! I have been nothing but good. I am trying!!! I am working hard!! I don't know what else you want from me. Just give me a break already!!!!!

Promises, Promises

First, I want to say thank you to everyone who commented and e-mailed me today regarding the post I wrote last night. Your kind words really made me feel pretty good. I was actually surprised when I turned on my computer this morning preparing to delete the post and had comments. I really didn't think anyone would read it let alone understand, but I guess I was wrong.

Today has been a long day and since I am not trying to lay another heavy post on anyone tonight I will try to be brief and upbeat.

I started my day waking up before the sun in order to keep a promise to E. You see he has been bugging me for a while to get him into swimming lessons. My County has it set up, so you can register for the county recreation classes online and I didn't register to get my password in time. I had to do it the old fashion way. I thought it would be no big deal, because I figured most people would register their kids online. I said to myself "self as long as I go to the Indoor Swim Center by 6:3o am I will be able to register and then go back home and get ready for work". Boy was I wrong.

I arrived at the Swim Center about 6:15 and there was already a long azz line. I couldn't believe it. These suburbia folks are serious about getting their kids into swimming. I took my place at the end of the line and about 1 hour and 45 minutes later was able to sign E up for his lessons. I was getting really worried because slots were filling up fast. I think I may have gotten the last slot of the class I wanted.

Now E is officially signed up for his lessons. He is going to be soooo happy. I can't wait to see the smile on his face when I tell him. He LOVES to swim. Don't be surprised if you see this future businessman, astronaut, President of the United States in the Olympics in about 10 years. I am going to make sure he goes for 9 gold medals. Watch out Michael Phelps!!

It makes me smile when I can keep my promise to my little boy.

Rambling Thoughts

All day long everyday all I do is think. Mostly because I only use about .05% of my brain power 95% of the time at work. When I come home I usually jot down somethings in my notebook, but by the time I have time to sit in front of the computer I get writer's block. I can't come up with anything that I want to write. Even though just a few short hours earlier I had several ideas dancing in my head just bursting to get out.

My summer class is finally over and I have about two and half weeks until Fall semester starts up. E starts school next week and I am kinda of dreading it, because that means more running around for me...sigh. He is spending his last week of vacation with my grandparents. It is so nice to have a week of peace with no kid and no school. Unfortunately, I have a list of stuff that I need to get done before the week is out, so no rest for the weary.

I wonder everyday if I will ever be happy? It seems no matter how much I accomplish I just keep wanting more. For example today I was looking at the requirements for graduating with Honors at my school. Even though I have 5 classes left (my last class has not been graded yet) and a pretty good cumulative GPA I am not sure if I will be able to graduate with Honors. I mean it should be good enough that I am graduating at all, but I am upset because I might not make Honors. Why oh why do I have such ambition in my soul? It is very frustrating.

Depression sucks.


I waste so much of my energy just fighting my depression every single day. I could be doing so much more, but I have to literally kick depression in the azz every minute of every day. I mostly win all my little battles. But will I ever win the war? Will I ever wake up in the morning genuinely be happy to be alive?


I am not good with relationships. I tried in the past and have failed pretty miserably. I am afraid to try again.


Fear is a funny thing. I am a pretty fearless person when it comes to most physical thngs. That's probably because I have a death wish. My biggest fear? Rejection. I just recently discovered this about myself. Now if only I could figure out how to cure it.

Stemming from my fear of rejection I have an extremley hard time getting close to people or really letting people into my inner circle. I think this is what causes my relationships with men to fail. I have been told on more then one occassion I am a bit...ummm... cold. I mean on the surface everything seems fine, but when it counts I am just afraid to let anyone in really.

Because of this I often feel like I am on the outside looking in when it comes to my friendships. I try to appear like I am opening up. I am not sure how successful I am at faking the funk though. It is hard to explain how I feel. I wish I could make people understand.

I know I live in a prison of my own making. I know I am my own worst enemy, but I have lived in this place for so long. I am comfortable. Even though I wish I could be different. I am afraid.

I know...

Bye, Bye Max

Last weekend there was a tragedy in the life of young E. He lost his best buddy, Max the fish, apparently he died of natural causes. (note: we do not suspect foul play as Tali 2 was no where in the vicinty...lol)

When we discovered Max lying lifeless at the bottom of his bowl E in disbelief ran up to it and tapped lightly on the glass. Once it was established that Max was indeed dead E burst into tears and my heart immediately sank. I know how much Max meant to E and I also know that my son is of the extra sensitive variety. When he loves something or someone he loves them hard and deep.

I let him cry for a few minutes and I held him in my arms and comforted him letting my shoulder soak up his tears. Then all of a sudden it hit me like a ton of bricks. This boy is almost 10 years old. Should I allow him to go on like this over a fish? He is not a little baby anymore. Would his father allow him to carry on like this if he lived with us? Or would he tell him to stop all of the nonsense?

The mom in me wanted to hold him and allow him to grieve over his lost friend, but I don't want my son to grow up to be "soft". I want him to be a man. Whatever that means. I just didn't know what to do and I was so confused.

It is times like these I wish I had a husband or his father close by so that I could turn to him for help when stuff like this come up. I know it seems silly to think some thing as small as a fish dying could bring up so much anxiety for me, but heck. I wasn't raised with a father in the home so I have no idea what a father would do in this situation...Sigh!!

I eventually told E to stop crying and that we needed to do something with Max's remains. We decided to give him a proper burial at sea (flush him down the toilet). However, that took some convincing. The conversation went a little like this:

Me: We need to give Max a proper burial.
E: How?
Me: All good fish get sent back to the ocean.
E: Do you mean flushing him?
Me: Yes.
E: Noooooo!!! He is too good for that!!! We should just drive to the ocean.
Me: Sigh...

Well, it has been a little over a week and I am glad to say although E misses his pet fish. This experience has not scarred him for life and I guess I handled it pretty well.

Bye Max. E will miss you.