I wrote a post that was so dark and so twisted that I'm sure if I posted it the police would have been waiting for me at my front door when I came home. I realize now that this bloggiing thing is not really my thing at least not right now, because I can not be free to express myself in a way that I need to. I hold back for fear of what the people who know me may think or feel and since that is one of my main issues in the "real" world I'm not getting the much needed theraputic benefits of just being heard. Not that it matters since no one really ever reads my blog I've decided to shut things down for a few months. I think I am just going to take the rest of the year off. I have a lot of thinking to do. I have a lot of decisions to make. I need to get a part-time job anyway, so the little free time I do have will be gone anyway.
I'm trying y'all I really, really am. I don't think it would upset me so much if I wasn't. I don't think I would have so many lows if I didn't care at all. I wish I would have met some of you many years ago before I gave up. I used to be fun and full of light and hope despite all of my demons. Then something happened...something happened that not only hurt me but humiliated me so badly that my hope disappeared. I hate who I am right now. I want to get back the person I was. I just have no idea where she is.
I know all I need to do is think positive and all will be ok. I know all I need to do is get over it and all will be well. I know all I need to do is stop dwelling and all will be better. Maybe if I go buy me a new stylish pair of shoes...oh but wait I'm broke. Maybe if I just go out on a date...oh wait I don't like anyone and I shouldn't date anyone I don't like...hmmmmm.... Well this is going to be harder then I thought.
I need help. I just can't afford it or have the time to get the help I need. I can't do this alone anymore. I can literally feel my sanity slipping away...
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7 comments:
I'm in tears...... I wanted to comment before but was unsure of what to say. I want you to know that you are not alone.
I want to say.. It's work, It's daily work........It's just like having diabetes, you have to take your meds everyday.
I have to pray everyday...... I have to meditate everyday..... I have to workout everyday..... I have to take meds everyday.........I have to have positive people in my life........ I have to be careful of what I feed my mind and my soul (dark stuff makes me dark)
I have to retrain my brain ...........
“Our thoughts become our words as they become our beliefs; our
beliefs become our actions as they become our habits. Our habits
become our values as our values become our destiny.” – Gandhi
I read A LOT of motivational books (The Belief Formula, The Shack, What to think when you are thinking, etc) and Joel Osten is the best (message394)
I'm sorry for writing a book on your blog....... I just wanted you to know that you can see the Sun
I wrote the following when I was in a dark place (I have to fight everyday)
I have my hands in the air (my eyes closed) with my feet on the gas………………. and i'm going to crash and burn.
I do not know what I believe in.
I give up before I start, I do not believe in myself, I do not believe I deserve better.
Sometimes I think being unhappy is my cross to bear……….. As long as I can remember I have been unhappy. I was a unhappy child, always sad, a deep sadness.
My son keeps me alive….. If not for him, I would be dead.
I don't want to be like this anymore………. I want God to answer my prayers……. I want to be happy, a happiness that I feel deep down in my soul.
I want direction, I want to start something and finish it. I want to be responsible, I want to stop fucking-up. I want to follow my dreams……… I want dreams………. I want to follow-thru. I want to stop giving up. I want to be sure of my self…….. I want to believe I am creative. I want to be that person I see in my minds eye.
I'm pulling for you. You DO have the tools to get out of this rut. You ABSOLUTELY do.
You are not alone. And will never be.
You have people around you that will help you. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. All you have to do is ask. We can't help you if you don't tell us what you need.
You can't afford NOT to get help and you need to MAKE the time or nothing will ever change.
Just remember, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I'm praying for you and together we can overcome this.
Father God, in the mighty name of Jesus I come before you. Father, you know your daughter better than I, and you know her circumstances better than I, well Father, I pray that you give her peace of mind and bring joy to her life, not happiness but joy in her spirit, body and soul, I come against the spirits that are wroking against her in the mighty name of your son, Jesus, I pray that you deliver her in her time of need, for Father, Elohim EL Shaddai Adonai you are Lord of ALL Heaven and Earth, and I know all things can be done by you for your word says nothing is to hard for God, I pray this in the name of Jesus, Yeshuwah HaMoshicah Adonai Shekinu...
I'm sending good thoughts your way. Take care.
I understand this feeling all too well... but for what its worth...I can tell by looking at your son that you are doing an EXCELLENT job! I know your feelings are owverwhelming at times, some issues seem insurmountable, but look at E. He is proof, even if you dont feel it..that you are the ISH! And you seem to be getting out more too! Double plus! Keep ya head up girl. Keep trying to fill your mind with positivity and dont sit in the 'shit' too long! Not the way to keep the stride stank! LOL Be well...Keelah
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