Kicking Azz and Taking Names...

My therapist, Sandy, has finally figured me out and it only took her two years. Well I can't really blame her I am a really hard nut to crack...get it...NUT...LOL!! Yeah I am certifiable, but then again who isn't. I was thinking about getting rid of her, but I hate having to break-in new people and since she has made this break through I think I will give her a few more months to see if this new technique works. She wants me to try art therapy, but the trouble is I do not have an artistic bone in my body. I wish I did, because I am truly an art lover...sigh. I am open to it...just skeptical. I'm not really a sit and draw type person and I think that it will kind of stifle me. I have been looking into dance therapy for a back-up. I'm really a physical person nothing makes me more relaxed then getting out and doing something like working out or dancing.

Sandy also said that we are going to start diving into some really heavy stuff. The thing I have most dreaded is about to happen...so here it goes I am going to be broken down and hopefully put back together again the right way. I am looking forward to it actually but I'm really scared. I want to come out of this prison I have been in for so long. I want to be FREE!!! I really do, but I have been "institutionalized" for so long that really reaching down and getting past all of my mental blocks is going to be difficult.

I know most people wont understand what I mean, but Sandy says that unless you have been through it or have seen it in regards with someone you love then it is hard to understand how truly hard it is for someone to beat depression. There is really no right way, because everyone is different and does not manifest depression the same.

For instance I am a very internal person and I tend to blame myself for all the abuse I suffered as a child. I know it was not my fault logically, but since the people at fault are not right in front of me to blame it is easier to just look in the mirror and point out all of the things I could have tried to do to stop it. Unfortunately there really was nothing I could have done...

I am not writing this post to bring anyone down I am writing it as a bit of therapy for myself. In fact I actually started this post over a month ago and I actually can see a difference in how I have been feeling. I am a fighter, a survivor and I always have been but I let depression kick me in the azz far too long and now I am recharged and I am ready to Kick ITS AZZ RIGHT BACK!!

Flying Trapeze Class!!!

I and a few FANTABULOUS Ladies decided to step outside the box and take a flying trapeze lesson. It was soooooo much fun and the most exhilirating thing I have done since I left the military in 2004. Here is a little video clip of my debut as a circus performer.

Being a bit introspective...

as usual sorry for not posting for awhile, but I really needed to get a grip.

You know what I wish for more than anything... I wish I could just wake up one morning and be at peace. I have spent so much time trying to fill this emptiness that I have in my soul that I think I've missed the point. I am probably not making a lick of sense, but I am too tired to explain at the moment. Just know that I am O.K. and that I am working on trying to live my best life.

I started this blog to help me keep track of all the goals I have set for myself some big and some small. Unfortunately running the Marine Corp Marathon was a goal that I did not meet this year, but I was just to busy to train properly. I am not going to give up though one day I will get across that finish line even if I have to be pushed in my wheel chair by one of my future grandchildren...LOL!

I know I am going all over the place with this post, but my thoughts are very erratic so please try and keep up.

My goal to finish my Bachelor's degree is slowly coming to fruition...I am taking two classes this semester and then I will have exactly 24 credit hours left. Who-hoo!!! I FINALLY see the light and I am so proud that I have kept at this all these years. Now I have to figure out what it is I want to do with my life next...Do I try and get into Law School or do I just go for my Master's Degree. I've always wanted to be a lawyer, but I guess I am doubting whether or not if I really have what it takes and man it will be a long hard road to travel...I guess I better decide soon since I am going to have to find a grants and scholarship opportunities from somewhere.

I received E's interim progress report this week. He has decent grades so far except for in math. I am going to start making him do extra math practice on the weekends. I know I am mean, but he is too smart to be getting bad grades in any subject. We are gonna pull out his multiplication flash cards and find some fun math computer programs to work with. I am determined this child get at least a partial academic scholarship for college.

Well I can see is getting long so I am going to stop for now...

I'm Sad... *Updated*

I have been trying so hard pretending not to be for the last couple of months, but I don't know how much longer I can keep it up.

I am sad.
I don't know how to fix it or if it can be fixed.

I'm also lonely.
I try and act like I'm not but I am.
I try and keep myself as busy as possible,so I don't notice it.
But there is no denying it.

I am lonely.

I just needed to say these things out loud.


I am inspired.
http://roycesdaughter.blogspot.com/2007/09/time-does-heel.html
This girl speaks the truth and with time all my wounds will be healed.
I just have to be patient and let G-d take control and stop trying to rush everything.

E the Greek Philosopher!!

On the way home E informed me that he could not finish his homework at his after school care because he was being distracted by one of the other kids. I have been working with him on trying his best to ignore the other kids, but it's proving to be a losing battle...sigh. Anyway this is how the conversation played out.


Me: E, haven’t I told you that you should not let other people distract you? You just have to try your best to ignore them.

E: (Looks up from his book) Mom, do you know the Greek expression “give me a long lever and I can move the earth"

Me: No, what is that suppose to mean?

E: It means if people annoy me enough times I am bound to be distracted no matter how hard I try not to be.

Me: **Crickets**

E: (Going back to reading his book)

Me: BWWHAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!


Man, I am going to have to look this up to see if it is an actual Greek expression.

***UPDATE***
My curiosity got the best of me and I googled the expression and hot damn did the boy come close to what the actual quote is. Greek mathematician Archimedes said it and it goes "Give me a lever long enough and a place to stand and I will move the earth."

Not bad for an 8 year-old...That's MY boy!!!

What's on my mind

I have so much on my mind right now I just don't know where to begin. I guess that is part of the problem though...I think way too much and really just kind of make myself crazy thinking about things obsessively.

My life is going OK thus far this new school year and E is handling his broken arm like a champ. We had a follow-up visit Friday to see how his bone was healing. They actually took off the long red cast and put him in a short one. He chose the color light blue for this cast and the best part is that it is waterproof!! Whoo-hoo!!!! thank the Lord, because I was so tired of having to wrap his arm up every night and help him bathe.

E is so funny and had me cracking up all that morning at the doctor's office he comes up with the most off the wall expressions this is his new one "Great English Breakfast in the Morning that is a great idea!!" you can pretty much add whatever it is you want after the word morning.

Oh!! and I can't forget my darling son has found a new love for music and has informed me that he wants to play an instrument in school this year. His instrument of choice is a TROMBONE!! (he says only if his arms are long enough... LOL) I asked him what his second choice was and tried to convince him to play something a little ummm...cooler like the saxophone (but then I am biased because that is my favorite instrument) or maybe something in the string family like the cello (again being biased because I actually played the cello for 7 years...shhhhh don't tell no one). His little heart is set on the trombone though, but he has assured me that he will make playing the trombone cool...LOL!! (his words exactly). I guess it is not a bad instrument to pick I actually do like it, but I just can't imagine my little boy blowing that big ol' horn. I could barely blow my sister K's clarinet and I was a grown woman...LOL.


I had a job interview last week, but I am not sure much will come of it. The day after the interview they called asking questions about expected graduation date and when I told them next year they did not sound to enthusiastic. Oh well...I was having second thoughts about getting a new job anyway with having just a year left in school. I've been at my current job over 5 years and even though 90% of the time I dread waking up in the morning to go there it does have its perks. I am just completely bored and overqualified for the actual work I am given to do. I can not wait to find a job that I can actually use my brain and the skills I am learning in school. I just feel so...I don't know...frustrated!!! I actually hate the person I have turned into being there and I have become really complacent and that is not me at all. I usually take such pride in every thing I do, but now I could really care less. In the last couple of weeks I have learned to grin and bear it... 2009 I will flood the system with my resume along with my brand new shiny degree to match. I can't wait!!

Let's see what else is going on...

Nothing major except some therapy stuff that I may blog about later this week. I hope everyone is having a great Monday!!!

Conversation with E

Friday night sitting at home and this is the exchange:

Me: You want to watch a movie?

E: With you?

Me: Yes

E: Hmmmm.... maybe tomorrow

Me: Well... (acting all offended)

E: Mom, its not like I don't love you, but this really good show is on.

Me: (turning around leaving the room feeling rejected)


Not even an 8 year-old wants to hang out with me...LOL!!!