This is War

Was there some thing in the air last month, because I noticed a lot of my favorite bloggers weren't blogging as much as usual and as you all may have noticed neither was I. I explained to you part of the reason here, but there was actually another part to it that I did not share. Look, before I go into this I just want to say that I am not looking for any sympathy and I am not whining. I figured that this is something I should share in hopes that may be I can help someone else at some point. (Deep Breath) Here we go...

I named this blog the Evolution of Tsiporah, because I finally thought that I was past a very dark period in my life and I was ready to start really living my life. I had such high hopes in the beginning of the year I was going to write down my goals, and start conquering them one by one. Well things started out great and I was really working things out I registered for the spring semester at my college, I started going to the gym 3 or 4 times a week, work was...well work was work, but at least I have job. I was slowly, but surely starting to chip away at all the things that I have always wanted to do, but couldn't. The reason why I couldn't was because I was pretty much stuck and trapped in a prison of my own making.

You see I have been battling depression for most of my life and to be honest I can not even tell you the last time I felt really happy or joyful just being alive. There are times when my depression is worse then others like here, but I would say 75% of the time I am just very sad, very joyless and wishing...no praying to die. I know, I know that depression is a word that gets thrown around a lot now days, and every body gets depressed now and again, but the difference is most people usually come out of it after a while either all by themselves or with therapy or medicine. I have tried all of that, but nothing seems to work long term with me. I thought I had finally had it beat, but then it reared its ugly head again and I have been going down hill ever since.

I don't know...maybe there is no cure for my type of depression...maybe I will have to struggle with it for the rest of my life. The thing is I am just TIRED of the struggle and last week it all came to a head, because I just broke down and started bawling for no reason and then I had these awful thoughts that I am going to decline to share, but they were not good. I am just soooooo TIRED of feeling like this...when I just didn't care it was fine...you know? But now that I actually want to LIVE life and not just exist I am struggling every day and it is HARD. I was starting to think the fight just wasn't worth it and to just give up!!! I am tired of having this same battle with myself. I. AM. TIRED. and I. AM. FED. UP. I can't really enjoy my life and reach my goals when I don't have the energy, because of this up hill climb I have EVERY SINGLE DAY just to will myself to care is wearing me out. I am literally fighting for my life, because...if things don't get better I am afraid I might not make it.

I am not a well person and I am going to get help again. Please don't worry though because for now I am going to continue to fight the good fight. Just please pray for me and if you don't pray just send some positive energy my way. This is my war to fight and I intend to win!! The name of my blog has taken on a whole new meaning to me…sigh.

Your Life Path Number is 1

Your purpose in life is to lead others. You have great drive and determination. Nothing is going to stand in your way. You seek out challenges and the spotlight. You'll take all the work - and all the glory. Status and success are important to you. You demand the best from everyone and everything. In love, you tend to take a protective role. You enjoy being the provider in relationships. You expect others to be like you, and as a result, you are often disappointed. A little selfish and vain, you always put yourself first. Remember, everyone already knows you're great - you don't need to remind them!

What Is Your Life Path Number?

20/20 Transgendered Children

http://abcnews.go.com/Video/playerIndex?id=3084254

Did anyone watch this show? I thought it was very interesting and thought provoking. I am glad that the parents of these kids are strong enough to want their children be happy despite the odds.



What did you guys think?
How do you all feel about transgender people in general?
Do you think the parents were right in letting their kids dress and live as the opposite sex?

Democrats Debate April 2007

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/18296908/

Did anybody else watch the debate tonight?? I would love to hear your thoughts. BTW, I just wished Senator Mike Gravel had more mike time, because he was cracking me the hell up....BWHAHAHAHAHA!!! Pure Comedy!!

Happiness Quiz

***I jacked this from CreoleinDC's blog last week*****

Satisfaction with Life Scale

Your total score: 16

If you scored 15 or under, you are dissatisfied with your life. If you scored 31 or higher, you are extremely satisfied with your life.

If you scored somewhere in the middle, happiness expert Dr. Robert Holden has some advice on how to live a more satisfying life. Dr. Holden says the key to being happy is overcoming "destination addiction," which he defines as "living in the not-now."

"It's always about tomorrow, so you're chasing 'more,' 'next' and 'there,'" he says. "You promise yourself that when you get there, you'll be happy. And I promise you, you won't, because you'll always set another destination to go for."

Instead, Dr. Holden says if you are unhappy with your life or looking to improve your score, there are two things you can do. "We have to learn to let go of our past, we have to give up all hopes for a perfect past. Let the past go, it's gone." After that, he says, "Take a vow of kindness. Be kinder to yourself and to others.

"It's never too late to be happy," he says.


I will have to say I agree with their analysis I do have what they call a "destination addiction". I am one of those people who look at my past transgressions A LOT and feel very guilty. I am also NEVER satisfied even when I've accomplished a goal that I've set for myself.

For instance I'm having a really hard time with school this semester. Things are just not coming to me as easily as usual and I just can't seem to stay focused. I think one of the reasons is that I am afraid that once I graduate that I still won’t be satisfied. I mean I have worked years on this goal and if I can't be happy about something this big that I've worked my azz off for then what does that say about me?

Can I ever be truly satisfied? Will I ever feel accomplished? Or will I just drift from goal to goal hunting for a feeling that I will never find? Or approval I will never get?

I just don't know...like what the quiz said I am constantly saying to myself "when I finish_____ or when I get______ or if I can just have______ then I will be satisfied” and then when I get_______ I just find something else to go after.

Am I the only one who feels like this? Have you ever felt like this? Were you able to change this behavior? If so how?

I always feel like I am running after something. Maybe I am running after my happiness...

School, Single Parenthood, Blogging...Oh My!!

Well you probably noticed I haven't posted anything of great significance this month...sigh. One of the reasons for that is I have been extremely busy with my classes the last couple of weeks and pretty busy at work as well. The times I have blogged I've been pretty much using up borrowed time and my time card has expired. What can I say? I've done it again put way too many things on my plate. That is just my way I guess. I can not stand having even a minute of my time idle...not really sure why, but I have my suspicions.

I am in school trying to finish my Bachelor's degree something I have been technically working on, on and off for the last *cough 10 years cough*. Well I should clarify that I took 4 classes in 1997 and then life and work became complicated and I took a few years off. I have been actively taking classes with the exception of one year off since fall of 2001. The first year I went full-time and I almost died trying to keep up with my schedule. I was working 1 full-time job, 1 part-time job and taking care of my then 2 year old as well as taking a full course load. Looking back I have no idea how I did it and managed to keep a 4.0 GPA, but I do know that I couldn't keep up that pace forever. I was truly losing my mind. Since then I have been plugging away two classes a semester for what seems like forever!! Finally though...finally I can see the light at the end of the tunnel...Who-hoo!! And I am getting hella anxious, barring any emergencies or lack of funds I will be a college graduate in 2008!!! When that happens I will celebrate for approximately one weekend and then it will be off to grad school...or law school I haven't decided which one as of yet. Although, I know I need to get started with prepping for it very soon, but again I don't want to overwhelm myself too much.

It is so hard being a single parent and trying to finish your education. I am always torn between spending time with my son and doing my class work. I want to spend as much time with my kid as possible while he is still young, but on the flip side if I have a better education I can get a better job and our quality of life will greatly improve. I just always feel so guilty when he wants to play a game or go some where and I have to tell him no because I am in a time crunch for an assignment. It is truly a hard balancing act and then when you add in work and just every day household stuff things can get very frustrating. Oh and you can pretty much forget about having a real social life...but this year I am determined to steal a few days for my self here or there and I have succeeded so far.

The second reason I haven't been blogging lately is that I have been blog hopping and I have found some really talented writers out in the blogsphere. It has kind of made me a little intimidated. I mean with all these thousands of people blogging and making so much sense my little blog just seems so insignificant. Hell, I will let you in on a little secret...up until a year ago I had no idea what a blog was and now here I am trying to blog with the likes of CreoleinDC, Brutha Code and LifeofRed amongst others who I find simply fascinating. I mean I really don't have time to give my philosophical point of view of the current events of the world. By the time I can get the words straight to write about it, it is old news anyway. I guess I am still just trying to find my niche in the whole blogsphere. I really do have a lot to say, but I guess my fear is no one will really be interested in my mundane ramblings about my pretty simple boring life, but I am going to keep on blogging, because maybe...just maybe it will help me feel like I am contributing something to this world...no matter how insignificant.

No Doubt: Ex-Girlfriend and Bathwater

I need No Doubt to get back together and make another album. I mean I love Gwen, but...uh...she needs her boys back.



This is one of my favorite No Doubt songs. I don't really care for the video too much though.



This is what Sanjaya was trying to sing. I really wish Gwen wouldn't have let him.