March 15, 2007

Breakfast:

1/2 cup oatmeal

Lunch:
salad
w/ catalina dressing
1/2 dried cranberries
small piece of cake

Today was not a good day and I completely lost it. I am sooooo ashamed of myself, but dang I needed some comfort. I don't have anyone to go home to other than a 8 year-old and I have to take care of him. I woke-up just sad and the day just progressively got worst as it went on, and thus so did my eating, because I needed something. I can't afford to shop, I am single and drinking a bottle of wine is a bad idea, so food is my only real luxury. I didn't even get the good stuff either I settled for:

Snack:
Large French Fries
2 apple pies
I almost went for the milkshake, but decided against it.

This was all at about 5pm and the worst part is I turned around and had dinner which consisted of:

Dinner:
1 cup of seafood Paella
4 tauquitos

I managed only 2 small glasses of water today and I skipped the gym. I really should have gone,but I was just too tired I slept so bad last night even after taking a sleeping pill. I finally became desperate enough to try one a whole 2 months after my doctor prescribed them.

Why did I eat all of this food? Because I just felt so empty.

Today I felt like what is the point in working so hard. I have worked hard for most of my life and I am still stuck in the same boat it seems. Why bother to stay fit and healthy? No man even takes a second look at me anyway. Why bother to finish school? I will never get that dream job with the great pay and health benefits. Why bother to write this blog? Only couple of people read it. What is the point of my life??? I am tired and frustrated and I might as well just give up, because I am just sick of working so hard for nothing.

When I ate the food today I didn't feel empty anymore at least not for that moment. Eating gave me an easy high that I didn't have to work for and it came instantly.
It.
Felt.
So.
Good.

Then the guilt set in and...I...felt so horrible that I did something that I thought I had finally conquered. Something that I haven't done in about two years, but I needed to get back in control of myself, so I did it. I purged. Now I am afraid. Afraid that I may get out of control again.

I treated my body like a beat-up broke down car today, because that is how I feel today like a used up beat up old car that nobody loves.



Edited to add: Today is March 16th and after re-reading my menu for yesterday I realized I didn't do THAT bad food wise. Yes I made a bad choice going to the drive-thru, but I stopped from going overboard like I have done in the past. Now I have to pick myself up and start again fresh today. I am NOT going to let one day set me back on two years of progress. I AM NOT. Thanks Tndrhrt.

March 14, 2007

Breakfast:
1/2 cup oatmeal (notice a trend?)
Green tea

Snack:
1/3 cup of walnuts and dried cranberries


Lunch:
salad
w/ light catalina dressing

Snack:
1/3 cup of dried cranberries (I am so addicted to them)


Dinner:
1 cup of seafood paella (scallops, shrimp, veggies and brown rice)
3 taquitos

Snack:
Mango

I only had 1 cup of water today...I was so busy at work today I barely had any time to drink that. In fact I didn't hardly have anything to drink today. I am going drink about 20oz before bed.

The Storm-part 1

One Wednesday morning I woke-up and I felt this dark cloud hanging over me. I literally could not get myself out of bed no matter how much I willed myself too. I certainly could not go into work that day, because the feeling I felt was something very familiar yet all together different. So I did what any red-blooded American would do I called into my office sick, but I had no idea just how sick I really was.

About a half-hour later I finally dragged myself out of bed long enough to wake up my 5 year-old son and get him off to school. Still clad in my pajamas and slippers I threw a coat over myself and headed out the door. I dropped my child off at school and then went back home and back to my bed. I just laid there feeling empty and sad very, very sad like my world had just come crashing down around me. At that moment I began to formulate a plan.

The night before the guy that I had been seeing told me that he did not want to see me any more. I became so upset and enraged at myself, because I knew it had to be something that I had done. He said that he just wasn’t ready for a relationship. But what I heard was, that I wasn’t good enough. He said that I was a sweet person but that he had some issues with himself he needed to work on. But what I heard was, you are just too ugly, fat and crazy for me. I. Was. Devastated. But not for the reasons I thought.

I quickly turned to a bottle of wine that a friend a had given me months before and one glass turned to two and two to three and the next thing I knew the whole bottle was gone. I cried. I cried for hours and I belittled myself and I felt like it was the end of my world. "Not again!!!" I shouted over and over until the tight feeling in my chest prevented me to say another word and I just continued to silently sob until I finally fell to sleep with thoughts of how much I hated me dancing in my head.

When I woke up that Wednesday morning, I had no idea how my life would change from there. I had no idea what was coming up for me, but what happened next started me on a journey that changed my life…

March 13, 2007

Menu for today:

Breakfast:
1/2 oatmeal
1 cup of tea

Snack:
1/3 Cup of walnuts and dried cranberries


Lunch:
garden salad
w/ 1 Tbs. light catalina dressing
Handful of dried cranberries


Snack:
1/3 cup of walnuts and dried cranberries
hot tea (my office was chilly today)

Today was a run day, so I ran three miles on the treadmill at the gym.
Dinner:
Left over shrimp primavera

Snack:
3 cups of popcorn (100 calories)


Still didn't make my water goal, but got about 40oz in today.

Anyone Remember This Movie?

I came across this article today:
http://health.msn.com/pregnancykids/pregnancy/zogby_designerbabies.aspx
It reminded me of the movie Gattaca starring Ethan Hawke and Uma Thurman. I loved the movie, because it was sci-fi and very intriguing. But according to the scientist this technology is merely years away and we are moving very close to actually being able to have "designer babies".

I've seen a lot of articles over the last year or so pertaining to this very subject and every time I finish reading one of them I am left with a very uneasy feeling. I am not going to lie to you the thought of cloning and genetically engineering fetuses’ scares the hell out of me. Can you imagine a world full of perfect people?? Think about that for a second...the thought just made me shiver.

I can see that there can be some benefits in being able to genetically engineer fetuses, so that they will not born with pre-disposition for some genetic disease. But that is about as far as I would go with it, and I am not even sure about that. The temptation will be just too great for some people to build the bigger, smarter, faster kid. I mean people are going to want to be the proud parents of the next Bill Gates or Michael Jordan, and instead of just working with what they are naturally given they will just engineer them in the womb.

Unfortunately the possibilities are endless and I am hoping that this technology is highly regulated and enforced. Although I don't believe for a second that it will stop anyone from eventually attempting building the perfect human.


Anywhoo, tell me what you think...

Do you agree with being able to design your kids? If so why?

March 12, 2007

I've decided to start a daily food journal, so that I can keep accountability of everything I put into my body. I don't have the worse diet in the world and I pretty much maintain my weight, but I know I can do much better. I am hoping doing this will help me develop an even more healthful eating habits. I will probably cheat every once in a while, but as long as I don't go over board I should be just fine. I am also going to greatly increase my water intake currently I drink between 20 and 40 oz a day, but I am going to work on making it to at least 60 oz a day. Here is what I ate today:

Breakfast:
1 cup of oatmeal
1 cup of caffeine free tea

Snack:
1/3 cup of dried fruit and nut mix
water


Lunch:
turkey sandwich on whole grain bread
water

Snack:
small piece of cake (today was March b-day celebrations at work)

Dinner:
shrimp primavera(1 cup of pasta, with lots of veggies and shrimp)
grilled salmon
water

Now this is where I usually lose all my points. I like to snack when I'm studying and I usually make bad choices. Lately I have been loading up with lots of celery sticks and carrot sticks to snack on.

Snack:
celery sticks
reduced fat french onion dip

I have been drinking water through out the day, but I still haven't made it to my 60oz. Better luck tomorrow.

Nickelback: "If Everyone Cared"

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this band and have been feeling this song in particular for the last few weeks. Great message!!