This is such ridiculous BULL SHIT!!!

Happy Happy Joy Joy!!!

Dear God

Why must you keep punishing me? Can I please just have a break? I mean every time it seems things are going to get better. BAM!!!! Some other shit happens...I might as well stay on the ground and never bother to soar. I guess I just like to keep getting smacked. I don't know how much longer I can take this. I need an anchor something tangible that I can hold on to. I feel like I have nothing left to give, but you keep asking me for more. How much lower can I get? I have nothing!! I have been nothing but good. I am trying!!! I am working hard!! I don't know what else you want from me. Just give me a break already!!!!!

Promises, Promises

First, I want to say thank you to everyone who commented and e-mailed me today regarding the post I wrote last night. Your kind words really made me feel pretty good. I was actually surprised when I turned on my computer this morning preparing to delete the post and had comments. I really didn't think anyone would read it let alone understand, but I guess I was wrong.

Today has been a long day and since I am not trying to lay another heavy post on anyone tonight I will try to be brief and upbeat.

I started my day waking up before the sun in order to keep a promise to E. You see he has been bugging me for a while to get him into swimming lessons. My County has it set up, so you can register for the county recreation classes online and I didn't register to get my password in time. I had to do it the old fashion way. I thought it would be no big deal, because I figured most people would register their kids online. I said to myself "self as long as I go to the Indoor Swim Center by 6:3o am I will be able to register and then go back home and get ready for work". Boy was I wrong.

I arrived at the Swim Center about 6:15 and there was already a long azz line. I couldn't believe it. These suburbia folks are serious about getting their kids into swimming. I took my place at the end of the line and about 1 hour and 45 minutes later was able to sign E up for his lessons. I was getting really worried because slots were filling up fast. I think I may have gotten the last slot of the class I wanted.

Now E is officially signed up for his lessons. He is going to be soooo happy. I can't wait to see the smile on his face when I tell him. He LOVES to swim. Don't be surprised if you see this future businessman, astronaut, President of the United States in the Olympics in about 10 years. I am going to make sure he goes for 9 gold medals. Watch out Michael Phelps!!

It makes me smile when I can keep my promise to my little boy.

Rambling Thoughts

All day long everyday all I do is think. Mostly because I only use about .05% of my brain power 95% of the time at work. When I come home I usually jot down somethings in my notebook, but by the time I have time to sit in front of the computer I get writer's block. I can't come up with anything that I want to write. Even though just a few short hours earlier I had several ideas dancing in my head just bursting to get out.

My summer class is finally over and I have about two and half weeks until Fall semester starts up. E starts school next week and I am kinda of dreading it, because that means more running around for me...sigh. He is spending his last week of vacation with my grandparents. It is so nice to have a week of peace with no kid and no school. Unfortunately, I have a list of stuff that I need to get done before the week is out, so no rest for the weary.

I wonder everyday if I will ever be happy? It seems no matter how much I accomplish I just keep wanting more. For example today I was looking at the requirements for graduating with Honors at my school. Even though I have 5 classes left (my last class has not been graded yet) and a pretty good cumulative GPA I am not sure if I will be able to graduate with Honors. I mean it should be good enough that I am graduating at all, but I am upset because I might not make Honors. Why oh why do I have such ambition in my soul? It is very frustrating.

Depression sucks.


I waste so much of my energy just fighting my depression every single day. I could be doing so much more, but I have to literally kick depression in the azz every minute of every day. I mostly win all my little battles. But will I ever win the war? Will I ever wake up in the morning genuinely be happy to be alive?


I am not good with relationships. I tried in the past and have failed pretty miserably. I am afraid to try again.


Fear is a funny thing. I am a pretty fearless person when it comes to most physical thngs. That's probably because I have a death wish. My biggest fear? Rejection. I just recently discovered this about myself. Now if only I could figure out how to cure it.

Stemming from my fear of rejection I have an extremley hard time getting close to people or really letting people into my inner circle. I think this is what causes my relationships with men to fail. I have been told on more then one occassion I am a bit...ummm... cold. I mean on the surface everything seems fine, but when it counts I am just afraid to let anyone in really.

Because of this I often feel like I am on the outside looking in when it comes to my friendships. I try to appear like I am opening up. I am not sure how successful I am at faking the funk though. It is hard to explain how I feel. I wish I could make people understand.

I know I live in a prison of my own making. I know I am my own worst enemy, but I have lived in this place for so long. I am comfortable. Even though I wish I could be different. I am afraid.

I know...

Bye, Bye Max

Last weekend there was a tragedy in the life of young E. He lost his best buddy, Max the fish, apparently he died of natural causes. (note: we do not suspect foul play as Tali 2 was no where in the vicinty...lol)

When we discovered Max lying lifeless at the bottom of his bowl E in disbelief ran up to it and tapped lightly on the glass. Once it was established that Max was indeed dead E burst into tears and my heart immediately sank. I know how much Max meant to E and I also know that my son is of the extra sensitive variety. When he loves something or someone he loves them hard and deep.

I let him cry for a few minutes and I held him in my arms and comforted him letting my shoulder soak up his tears. Then all of a sudden it hit me like a ton of bricks. This boy is almost 10 years old. Should I allow him to go on like this over a fish? He is not a little baby anymore. Would his father allow him to carry on like this if he lived with us? Or would he tell him to stop all of the nonsense?

The mom in me wanted to hold him and allow him to grieve over his lost friend, but I don't want my son to grow up to be "soft". I want him to be a man. Whatever that means. I just didn't know what to do and I was so confused.

It is times like these I wish I had a husband or his father close by so that I could turn to him for help when stuff like this come up. I know it seems silly to think some thing as small as a fish dying could bring up so much anxiety for me, but heck. I wasn't raised with a father in the home so I have no idea what a father would do in this situation...Sigh!!

I eventually told E to stop crying and that we needed to do something with Max's remains. We decided to give him a proper burial at sea (flush him down the toilet). However, that took some convincing. The conversation went a little like this:

Me: We need to give Max a proper burial.
E: How?
Me: All good fish get sent back to the ocean.
E: Do you mean flushing him?
Me: Yes.
E: Noooooo!!! He is too good for that!!! We should just drive to the ocean.
Me: Sigh...

Well, it has been a little over a week and I am glad to say although E misses his pet fish. This experience has not scarred him for life and I guess I handled it pretty well.

Bye Max. E will miss you.

Shifting focus

I used to be obsessed with trying to find love...sigh. I went about it entirely the wrong way and was disappointed, heart broken, and stomped on by the men I THOUGHT I loved. Up until a couple of years ago I was focused on finding my life partner and male role model for E. Then one day my focus shifted. I no longer feel like I have to have a man in my life and I am happier for it. I am not running around looking for Mr. Right, Mr. Right now or Mr. Perfect for me. I no longer care if I grow old alone with millions of cats. I feel like that is something that no matter what I do I have absolutely no control over so why worry about it any longer. I haven't given up on love per se. I have just shifted my focus on to things that I have more control over like my son, school and my career. If I am supposed to be a twosome then God will send him to me and hopefully I will have the good sense to notice.

It seems that people don't really care about my outlook on love too much and that is fine. Some people are lucky that most things they have ever wanted have come easy for them. As for me not so much I have always had to work for most things that I wanted. In this moment my focus is to make sure I can take care of myself, because as much as they may not have believed that love would NEVER not happen for them. I was raised to be a realist and I know that the only way I could have a man right now is to lower my standards and I refuse to. Lord knows sometimes I think and feel who am I to have the nerve to actually have standards. I should just take what I can get and be happy, but I can't. I much rather be alone then be stuck with someone that I can't stand.

I mean really I could be married or engaged at this very moment. I have a suitor who is willing but he has conditions that I just don't feel comfortable accepting. I mean I could have a great life and be financially secure. I could have all the fancy shoes, bags, clothes and cars I want, but at a cost that I am not willing to pay. I thought about it...several times, but in the end I just couldn't go through with it. Because for some reason I think I deserve better...who me? How could I possibly feel I deserve better than what he is offering? I don't know... but I rather be a single mom and struggling then be bought.

Anyway I digress...

Believe it or not I am happy being alone. I have far more bigger fish to fry then to worry about someone loving me. I am not denying that it would be nice to have someone to come home to at the end of the day. It would be nice for someone to take care of me. That all would be lovely...but it may not be in the cards for me an I am willing to accept that as well. You may not agree, but it is what it is...Besides even if I were to find a good man chances are I wouldn't know what to do with him.