All day long everyday all I do is think. Mostly because I only use about .05% of my brain power 95% of the time at work. When I come home I usually jot down somethings in my notebook, but by the time I have time to sit in front of the computer I get writer's block. I can't come up with anything that I want to write. Even though just a few short hours earlier I had several ideas dancing in my head just bursting to get out.
My summer class is finally over and I have about two and half weeks until Fall semester starts up. E starts school next week and I am kinda of dreading it, because that means more running around for me...sigh. He is spending his last week of vacation with my grandparents. It is so nice to have a week of peace with no kid and no school. Unfortunately, I have a list of stuff that I need to get done before the week is out, so no rest for the weary.
I wonder everyday if I will ever be happy? It seems no matter how much I accomplish I just keep wanting more. For example today I was looking at the requirements for graduating with Honors at my school. Even though I have 5 classes left (my last class has not been graded yet) and a pretty good cumulative GPA I am not sure if I will be able to graduate with Honors. I mean it should be good enough that I am graduating at all, but I am upset because I might not make Honors. Why oh why do I have such ambition in my soul? It is very frustrating.
Depression sucks.
I waste so much of my energy just fighting my depression every single day. I could be doing so much more, but I have to literally kick depression in the azz every minute of every day. I mostly win all my little battles. But will I ever win the war? Will I ever wake up in the morning genuinely be happy to be alive?
I am not good with relationships. I tried in the past and have failed pretty miserably. I am afraid to try again.
Fear is a funny thing. I am a pretty fearless person when it comes to most physical thngs. That's probably because I have a death wish. My biggest fear? Rejection. I just recently discovered this about myself. Now if only I could figure out how to cure it.
Stemming from my fear of rejection I have an extremley hard time getting close to people or really letting people into my inner circle. I think this is what causes my relationships with men to fail. I have been told on more then one occassion I am a bit...ummm... cold. I mean on the surface everything seems fine, but when it counts I am just afraid to let anyone in really.
Because of this I often feel like I am on the outside looking in when it comes to my friendships. I try to appear like I am opening up. I am not sure how successful I am at faking the funk though. It is hard to explain how I feel. I wish I could make people understand.
I know I live in a prison of my own making. I know I am my own worst enemy, but I have lived in this place for so long. I am comfortable. Even though I wish I could be different. I am afraid.
I know...
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6 comments:
I hear you. I see you. I can feel your pain. Your safe around those of us who know you, so don't be afraid.
I may be new to the scene, but I see; I'm listening. it's okay to break out of the box - you've are surrounded by friends who will catch you. Remember that and rejoice.
You know I love you just as you are. I know your struggles and I see what you DON'T see...which is how far you've come. One of the things I hope you're learning is that those who TRULY care about you don't want anything from you that you aren't willing or ready to give. Just BE Princess. I never wonder if you're comfortable being around us. I never wonder if you're acting weird. I accept you and your friendship as you are...as it is.
You're going to be just fine. Depression sucks...but from where I'm sitting...you're kicking it's azz.
I can't WAIT till you graduate! We are going to PARTY! (You know...before 9:30...ROFL!)
"Will I ever wake up in the morning genuinely be happy to be alive?"
YES! Just tell yourself that EVERYDAY. Think it into exixtence. I know that sounds very simplistic, but I really believe that the main reason that things go "right" for me is because I tell myself that it will. It works, it REALLY does!
And go after those honors. It feels extra special as an adult. Maturity understands academic excellence. You understand what it took to get those grades. Plus E is watching you.
ONEFROMPHILLY
Hey Tsiporah! I feel ya, all too well...dont have anything particularly witty or helpful to say, but I really DO understand what it feels like to look at life from a distance, as if you are not actually living it at all. Looking at the genuine comfort on the faces of other people and wondering what they have that you dont. And if you do have it, then why cant you access it...sigh. Depression does suck...but Zimbalta can help!! lol Do you hate those depression pill commercials as much as I do?! Well anyway, have a wonderful day today! My wish for you...just one miracle that turns your whole day around! :)
Hi, Tsiporah. I'm coming through via Monnie's site. Like Keelah, I don't have any words of wisdom, but I can totally relate to what you are feeling. I thank you for writing this post and verbalizing what I think a lot of us must feel at some time or another. I just think it's pretty awesome that you have the option to try for Honors, when many are just doing enough to get by. I'll be virtually rooting for you.
I feel what you're saying Tsiporah, on a level beyond explanation. Been there, and know that once you've been down that road, there are days when you find yourself back there, even when things are seemingly going well. Sometimes you just have to look back to see how far you've come. Looking back aint always easy, and depression can be one's most loyal friend. It goes away, but comes back when we look back. Don't be afraid of it tho, use it to mold u, to propel you. As for fear, aint nobody who isnt afraid of something, and there is no magic trick to overcome it in one day. Its a one day at a time thing. Just focus on each day, at a time, and one day you'll look back and see how far you've come, just taking one step at a time. Keep standing, keep taking that one step, each day. yur not alone hun....
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