Thursday, December 18, 2008

Eternally Grateful


Well there has been so much going on the last couple of months I hardly know where to begin. I guess first I should apologize for leaving on such a dark note. I was in a really bad place and just couldn't get myself out of it. I felt as if I was going completely insane.

Next, I would like to thank everyone who commented and e-mailed me when I was feeling "mighty low". The thought that you all cared enough to write me at all really touched me. There are a few people in particular that I want and need to thank, because they took the time out of their own lives to really help me, but I will be sending them individual notes to them as soon as I find the words. I have started several letters to them, but the words never seem good enough to express how deeply grateful and...how in awe I am of them. I can't believe that some one...several some ones actually took time of their busy lives to make sure that my son and were ok. They will never know how much that meant to me especially when my own flesh and blood family was so slow to step up to the plate.

I never really had any real friends…I’ve had acquaintances, but never any real friends. It was mostly my fault because I usually kept everyone at a distance. I still do some times…but I’m working on it. I'm so happy that the good Lord has seen fit to send me some true friends finally after all these years. Friends that I can’t scare off so easily with my craziness and erratic behavior because they are just as crazy…LMAO!!

Well, I really didn’t want to say too much…just thanks for reading and I will be back to regular blogging from now on.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Happy Birthday...


...to the most FABULOUS son a mommy could ever have. I can't believe you are 10 years-old!! Where have all the years gone? It seems like it was just yesterday when I held you in my arms for the very first time and I promised to love and take care of you always.

You have changed my life for the better and you make me sooooo VERY PROUD everyday. Watching you grow into the wonderful young man you are becoming has been such a joy.
I'm so VERY HAPPY to be your mother.

You are my world!!

Love always and forever,
Mommy

Friday, November 28, 2008

I'M BACK BITCHES!!!

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Yesterday...

I wrote a post that was so dark and so twisted that I'm sure if I posted it the police would have been waiting for me at my front door when I came home. I realize now that this bloggiing thing is not really my thing at least not right now, because I can not be free to express myself in a way that I need to. I hold back for fear of what the people who know me may think or feel and since that is one of my main issues in the "real" world I'm not getting the much needed theraputic benefits of just being heard. Not that it matters since no one really ever reads my blog I've decided to shut things down for a few months. I think I am just going to take the rest of the year off. I have a lot of thinking to do. I have a lot of decisions to make. I need to get a part-time job anyway, so the little free time I do have will be gone anyway.

I'm trying y'all I really, really am. I don't think it would upset me so much if I wasn't. I don't think I would have so many lows if I didn't care at all. I wish I would have met some of you many years ago before I gave up. I used to be fun and full of light and hope despite all of my demons. Then something happened...something happened that not only hurt me but humiliated me so badly that my hope disappeared. I hate who I am right now. I want to get back the person I was. I just have no idea where she is.

I know all I need to do is think positive and all will be ok. I know all I need to do is get over it and all will be well. I know all I need to do is stop dwelling and all will be better. Maybe if I go buy me a new stylish pair of shoes...oh but wait I'm broke. Maybe if I just go out on a date...oh wait I don't like anyone and I shouldn't date anyone I don't like...hmmmmm.... Well this is going to be harder then I thought.

I need help. I just can't afford it or have the time to get the help I need. I can't do this alone anymore. I can literally feel my sanity slipping away...

Monday, September 15, 2008

This is such ridiculous BULL SHIT!!!

Happy Happy Joy Joy!!!

Dear God

Why must you keep punishing me? Can I please just have a break? I mean every time it seems things are going to get better. BAM!!!! Some other shit happens...I might as well stay on the ground and never bother to soar. I guess I just like to keep getting smacked. I don't know how much longer I can take this. I need an anchor something tangible that I can hold on to. I feel like I have nothing left to give, but you keep asking me for more. How much lower can I get? I have nothing!! I have been nothing but good. I am trying!!! I am working hard!! I don't know what else you want from me. Just give me a break already!!!!!