Countdown to Graduation ...

8 more classes to go not including the class I am about to finish up in a couple of weeks. I am going to take four classes this semester it sounds like a lot, but really two of those classes are only one credit weekend lectures I figure if I take three of those then I will have my last 3 credits for electives take care of without stressing myself out too much.

Every day I get more and more excited over getting my degree and wondering what doors it could open up for me career wise. Now I am not being too unrealistic I know that my undergrad degree is only going to take me so far, but I will be one step further then I am now. I have been working towards this degree for more years then I care to admit, but barring any catastrophes it will be in my hot little hand no later then May of 2009. YAY!!! What a sense of accomplishment I will feel I have been tossing around the idea of not going to the graduation ceremony, because I am not really into all that formality. I think I just might dawn my cap and gown and proceed across the stage anyway, if not for me, than for E. He needs to see what it is I have been busting my azz for all this time. He knows I am in school and what it means (more money), but he truly doesn't understand the impact.

I would love for E to go to college right after high school and get that whole college experience that I missed. I am sometimes totally envious of people who have those four years to reminisce about especially those who joined fraternities and sororities. I ALWAYS wanted to join a sorority when I was a kid because my older cousins joined and it seemed like so much fun. Oh well I may not have had the chance to be in a sorority, but I was in the biggest brotherhood there is the U.S Army and I would not change those experiences for the world. Talk about being hazed!!! gee...

Anyway, I am just rambling now. This next year is going to be extremely busy for me, but I am determined not to put any more pressure on myself then there already is. I am just such a perfectionist though so it comes second nature and the fact that I am just mere fractions of points away from graduating with honors. but if does not happen I will be alright. I think....LOL!!

Matter of Trust

Last week I witnessed a dying woman signing her Last Will and Testament. As you can imagine it was quite jarring seeing her in her hospital bed with tubes sticking out of her and the whole nine. Surprisingly, despite being on her death bed she was in very good spirits and quite chatty in her weakened state. Mrs. J made us feel at ease with her big smile as soon as we walked in the door to her hospital room. As I sat there and listened to everything that was going on it was quite interesting to me, because I am not usually privy to these conversations. When we left Mrs. J's room I felt quite sad for her, but not for the reasons that you might imagine.

You see Mrs. J has been married for the last 30-40 years to a man that she does not trust enough to handle any of her estate. She wants one of her children from a previous marriage to be her executor and to handle all of her affairs when she dies or if she is to become incapacitated before her death. She has such lack of trust in her husbands ability to be fair to her children once she is gone that she didn't even tell him that she was changing her Will. Unfortunately for her she did not have him sign a prenuptial agreement before they got married, so even with all the safeguards that have been put in place in her husband could still get a good share of her estate if he were to contest it.

All this got me to thinking that someday after I have made my millions(smile). If I were to get married would I have enough trust in my husband to make sure that he did right by E if I predeceased him. I would hope I would know him well enough to make sure that this was not the case. I have always been against prenuptial agreements, but in the case where there are children from prior relationships I now feel it is a must. I mean to be honest money does something to some people that make them go absolutely batty. Even hurting the people that you are suppose to love the most.

Can you ever really know enough about someone? or is trusting someone you love just a calculated risk?

What Are Her Bones Made Of ?????

If I was her I'd be afraid I would contort myself in one of these positions and not be able to get out of it.

Well tomorrow I go back to reality and go back to work. My vacation is over, but boy was it nice. I really needed a few days away from my office to just relax and unwind and do things just for me. I especially liked the sleeping in part and just being able to lay in bed and veg out until I was ready to get up.

I am a little late as always, but I wanted to thank Monnie, Gladys, Roycee, Onefromphilly, and Sissy for taking Hostess and I out for our birthday lunch on Saturday. We went to this great sushi restaurant called Meiwah and had good food and conversation as always.



I also would like to thank Monnie, Gladys and Sissy for putting up with my lack of fashion knowledge and helping me pick out a new winter coat. I really learned a lot shopping with you all,and hopefully you all will teach me some more great stuff as time goes on. As we were walking through the mall we came across these hideous creatures. Can you believe that they were $800 marked down from $1600!!!



While I was shopping I realized that I have put on quite a bit of weight over the last year or so and that is not cute at all. I have decided that I am going to start making recipes out my South Beach Diet cookbook, drink a lot more water and get some exercise in every day. With school and a kid it is just really hard to find time to really take care of myself, but this year I am going to really make the effort. Today I planned my menu for the week and made a couple of dishes. The pictures didn't come out that great, everything came out a little too bright.




I made Chicken Quesadillas with brown rice and a Cannellini Bean Salad. The Bean salad called for red bell peppers, but I used yellow, because the red peppers looked suspect at the store. I think next time I will use red because it makes for a better presentation. Both dishes were very good though and are good for you too.



After dinner E and I did our nightly exercise today we chose to spar a bit. Doesn't E looks mighty threatening all gloved up with his game face on ?



Well it is time for me to go to bed, so I can face the day with a bright and sunny disposition. Like Joel Osteen told me on Sunday I can not allow anyone to steal my joy. A good night sleep always helps to get me ready for the battle.

***Blank Stare***

I honestly don't know what to make of this.

A Deeper Love

First and foremost I would like to thank you all for the birthday wishes that I received today as well as the sound advice. As you can tell last night I was in a melancholy mood and pretty much everything I have been feeling for the last few months finally came to a head. For full disclosure I actually wrote a much darker post on New Year's Eve, but after about an hour I took it down. I actually thought the post I wrote last night was bit more hopeful...lol. I guess not since people have threaten to come and kidnap me and all.

Anyway, today when I first woke up I was still feeling sad, but then after a little while of lying in bed I got up took a shower and decided to make the most out of my day. I went to the mall which I very rarely do and I spent a little money on myself which is another rarity. I bought myself a couple of cute tops, a new pair of boots and a digital camera. I can not wait to figure out how to work my camera, so I can start posting pictures on my blog.

After I picked E up from school I brought him home and modeled my new shirts and boots for him to get his opinion. He approved of the boots and one shirt, but wasn't really feeling the other one...LOL. Then I made a simple birthday dinner of spaghetti and cheesy bread. Once dinner dishes were cleaned up I put on a old Ultimate Dance Party CD and we danced around the house for about an hour straight. We did everything from the robot to the bump...hell E even made up some dances and we laughed and laughed and laughed. It was great!!

I know that I have the glass half empty mentality, but I am going to change that mind set right now. I guess I was always afraid to think of myself in a positive way for fear of what others thought of me. I didn't want people to tell me that I wasn't worthy and so I guess I called myself beating them to the punch. I know that makes no sense what so ever now.

I may not be in the place that I want to be at age 30, but I am still growing. I am getting better, wiser and stronger every day and most importantly I am blessed with everything I need. It doesn't matter that I am not a fashionista, or have 25 fancy degrees on my wall or that I rent instead of own my own place. All that matters is that I am moving forward one step at a time.

My major problem is that I try to make leaps and bounds and when it doesn't happen the way that I want I get frustrated and retreat. I focus, so much on the future that I miss what is right in front of me. This year and all the years ahead of me I am going to take the time to stop and smell the roses so to speak. I am also going to work on a relationship that I have been neglecting and that is my relationship with me.

Thanks again for all the well wishes. I hope you all have a wonderful 2008 and beyond.

Here is one of the songs we were dancing to tonight I though it was quite fitting of my new outlook:

"It's My Party And I'll Cry If I Want to..."

Every year for as long as I can remember on the eve of my birthday I would write in my journal. I would reflect on the year that past and write about everything that I wanted to accomplish in the next.

This year is different in the fact that I thought that by the time I reached age 30 that most of the goals I had set in my life would have been accomplished. Unfortunately for me that is hardly the case and I have allowed myself to fall into a deep depression because of it.

I have pretty much spent the last 4 days laying in bed crying about how much of a failure I am, because I am not where I thought I should be by now. I am unmarried, a mother, still trying to get that ever elusive Bachelor's degree and working in a job that I hate. When I was 18 if someone would have told me this would be my life at 30 I would have laughed.

I just knew I was going places...HA!!! Whatever possess me to think that. I have no idea. I was just so full of hope and I was very naive. I actually thought all I had to do was keep my nose down and work hard and everything would fall into place. I mean surely I had suffered enough growing up in an abusive household, being raped everyday of my young life for 4 years all the while still working my ass off in school and working part-time. I believed that if I just worked hard enough and just stuck it out I would be rewarded.

Well, here I am at 30 years old and I have not seen any of what I have worked my ass off for. I have so many regrets, because I have made so very many mistakes. Often I think if I could just go back in time and change one thing my life could have taken on a whole new direction, but as we all know we can not go back only go forward.

On this night I have no idea what it is that I really want in my life, because I have been disappointed so many times before I am afraid to want for anything. I guess all I can do is keep moving forward and try to piece together any shred of hope I have left for my life,and that I have learned from my mistakes. I might actually get to fulfill one of my goals this year and that is to get my degree. I am going to focus on that and hopefully everything else will follow suit shortly thereafter...

This birthday will be bittersweet for me and as I type tears are welling up in my eyes. They are tears of sorrow for the girl I once was and tears of joy for the woman I hope to become. I am going to try my very best to make this next decade much better then the last.

Happy Birthday To Me...sigh!