I Admit It...I Miss my Boy!!!

As you may or may not remember me telling you all that my son E was spending this summer in New England with his father. This would be his second summer trip away from me and believe me when I say that I really needed the break this year. At first I was feeling like a woman who had a 60lb weight lifted from her and I made all kinds of plans(in my head) of the things I wanted to do. Mostly consisting of organizing my apartment and catching a few movies. I know boring huh...but hell I am a single mother who works full-time and I'm a part time student that is about as exciting as I get nowadays...LOL!!

The fact that I am...shall I say...ummm...boring never really bothers me because I am always so busy running E around in between studying, planning and cooking meals, cleaning, blogging etc. etc. Doing all of that makes time just go at warp speed and before I know it months have passed no harm no foul.

However, this summer I realized that it was the first time I have ever been completely on my own. I mean yes...I have been alone before but it was always in very short spurts a weekend here or there. This was the first time that I was alone completely with no one responsible for me or no responsibilty for anyone other than myself. I had no real outside distractions in the form of a boyfriend, family, exploring a new environment or excessive partying. Nothing. All I had was me and work and of course a couple of college classes. There was only me, myself and I to worry about and you know what? I hated it.

Don't get me wrong at first it was great!! I mean I could come straight home from work and not have to worry about picking up anyone. I could eat what I wanted and when I wanted and not have to worry about being on a hungry kid's schedule. Laundry was a definite breeze with only my clothes to do. I could go for a nice long run whenever I felt the need and not have to worry about scheduling it in. If I wanted quiet I got quiet and if I wanted noise I could just flip on the radio or the T.V. I could come and go as I pleased and not have to wait for a little person to get ready or make sure he was ready to go. I didn't have to go behind anyone to make sure all of the lights were turned out and the best thing of all. When I straightend up my living room it stayed neat for longer than 5 minutes....YAY!!!

Now that I said all of that I am trying to figure out why I hated living alone...LOL.

Anyway the biggest reason why I hated being alone was that I missed my baby boy. Although according to him he is no longer a baby and I hate to admit that he isn't. This year he will be starting the 4th grade and I just can't believe how time has passed. Gee...I still remember the day he was born like it was yesterday. He is so much more than my little boy though...he is also my road dawg to the 10th power!!! We have the best conversations and play games and do all sorts of fun things together even though he be trying to cheat...Humph!!!

I miss him even more now that he is not back home this week like I had originally planned. You see last Tuesday evening my little boy broke his arm and I was simply beside myself worrying all that night until I knew for sure he was OK. I mean I know kids get broken bones all the time and it's really no big deal. But dammit!! it was a big deal to me...hell. My baby was hurting and I was not there to comfort him!! I know he will be fine and his dad was there to take care of everything. Unfortunately, he had to stay another week because the doctor wanted to see him again before he left...sigh. There was a bit of a complication and some talk of the possibility of surgery but hopefully he wont need it.

I can't wait to see him this weekend and give him the biggest hug in the world. I miss my boy sooooo very much and since the time that he is young is so short I don't want to miss anymore of it then I have to.

I can't wait to hear about how his day at school went, or help him with his homework and read to him again.

I never thought I could ever love someone so much...

Daddy's Little Girl...

A couple of weekends ago I had the honor of witnessing my little sister L get married. It was a such a lovely ceremony and I have never seen her look so happy. I am just so proud of her I could burst. Her husband T is really one of the good guys and I wish all the happiness in the world for them and their children. I would post pictures, but I am still learning the ins and outs of my camera.

Seeing her walk down the aisle I suddenly became overwrought with emotion...kinda bittersweet... you know. Nothing out of the ordinary happened our father walked L down the aisle which is really no big deal. Most brides walk down the aisle on the arms of their fathers it's a common tradition...well at least in this part of the world.

All of a sudden I started to feel warm and then hot tears started to trickle down my face one by one. The big smile I had frozen on my face began to fade and suddenly I felt like the room was slowly closing in around me. Could it be...no it really couldn't be...but yes... dare I say it. I was sad and angry because the man walking my beautiful little sister down the aisle smiling with pride was the same man that abandoned me before I was born. This man was never there for me like he was for her and yes... I was jealous.

It's funny, but until very recently I never really thought about how not having my father in my life has affected me. Not only did it shape my childhood but it really warped my sense about relationships in a major way. It was just so normal... not having a father...hell I didn't even meet him until I was 8. My mom remarried when I was 5 and my step-father became "daddy" for awhile. That is until he started getting high and drunk and beating my mother and I, but I digress. I think it was at that point that I just hardened my heart and when I finally did meet my father I had no use for him in my life.

At that time he had a whole new family and I would watch him play with my sister and brother and be so very loving towards them. They of course would laugh and be just as loving back they had this whole family dynamic that I just did not get. I do have to give the guy some credit he did try to be just as loving and playful towards me. He even told me how much he loved me and how sorry he was for leaving me and that when he left he was sick...and he was young and didn’t know what he was doing. I guess at the time I was just too young to understand how sorry he truly was. Then just as quickly as he came back into my life he vanished ... again. Years later it was revealed that his second disappearance had more to do with my mother then him...sigh. I didn't see my father again for another 8 years.

When I did see him again he was divorced from L's mom and trying to recover from his latest habit of choice...needless to say I didn't stick around. I just lived my life the best that I could never thinking that a little girl really does need her father's love and that feeling of security that comes with it.

I grew up not realizing that what I was searching for...was my father's love and the feeling of being safe...the love of my daddy...

I am almost 30 years old and it has taken me this long to realize what I have been missing all of these years. My father is a lot better now and wants a real relationship with me. My heart is so closed off that I am not sure if I can let him into my life...He has held out the olive branch for years now and I just keep avoiding it. Why??? I don't know... Maybe I am afraid to grab on to it because I think he will leave again or maybe it's because he is not the man that I wished he could be or maybe it is just too late...

As I was seeing my father walk my little sister down the aisle and the hot tears began to trickle down my face one by one...and the big frozen smile that I had on my face began to fade... and the feeling that the room was starting to slowly close up around me...

Made me think. Made me wish. Made me want... even if it was just for a second...

To be daddy's little girl...



* I started writing this post the day after my sister's wedding(8/5/07, but was unable to complete it until now. Since then I have contemplated letting my guard down and inviting this man...my father into my life. I have a chance that many people don't have to establish a relationship and I should take the bull by the horns and just do it...right? I guess that is what I am gonna try and do and I will keep you all updated if your interested. *

Technical Difficulties...

For some reason my internet service at home is not working, but I hope to rectify that very soon.

Tsi.

The Power of Advertising

I am not going to lie every once in awhile I will kill for a McDonald's french fry...sigh. Man, they are just little pieces of fried potato heaven to me...yummy!!

I just found this article really interesting and wondered if just putting the food in a McDonald's wrapper really made most kids think it taste better. If this is true then why doesn't Mickey D's try and profit from this and actually have even more healthier choices available. Especially in the Happy Meals they advertise for kids considering the juvenile obesity rate. I know they do offer some healthier alternatives now, but they could do better in my opinion.

What do y'all think? Or am I just delirious from lack of sleep?

Heelys

E wants these shoes sooooooo bad!! I keep telling him no, because personally I think they are dangerous and very annoying. Of course, he thinks that I am being mean and unfair and he is trying to wear me down by asking me for them pretty much weekly.

Well today I came across this article and now I can't wait for him to come home, so he can read it. I knew these shoes were nothing, but trouble...LOL!!

Have any of you have allowed your children to have Heelys? If so how is it working for them? Are they really as dangerous as this article makes them out to be?

Zen Sarcasm

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may
not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell
alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's
newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That
way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he
will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably
worth it.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back
in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the
same night.

Last Night...

...I stepped a bit out of my element and went out on a school night and I am completely wiped out. However, it was soooo worth it, because I met a lot of really awesome people.

It all started a couple of weeks ago when my girl Monnie told me that one of my most favorite blogger's Brutha Code was coming into town and she was trying to organize a dinner. I just could not resist the temption of meeting him. He is one of the most hi-freaking-larious bloggers I have ever read, very raw, but hilarious all the same. I just had to meet him and to see what the man behind the words was really like. Let me tell you I was not disappointed Brutha Code is a riot and kept us all in laughing all night.

I also got to meet some other blogger's Honest who is such a sweetie, Hostess who is way cool, Royce's daughter who is just super nice and onefromphilly who is not a blogger, but should be because I always enjoy her comments. Oh and there was also another blogger there who I wont mention by name, but who I can definitely say was a VERY intersting character (more on her in a minute).

Anywhoo, we all met up at this Ethiopian restaurant in D.C. I had never had Ethiopian food before and was not sure what to expect. I was totally down for the experience because I LOVE to try new things and experience other cultures. Since I know how indecisive I can be when it comes down to ordering food at new places I decided google the restaurant and found the menu. Needless, to say when I looked at all of the food choices I was utterly confused as to what I would actually like, but settled on a shrimp dish called Shrimp Alitcha it was described as shrimp sauteed in a mild flavorful onion and herb sauce. It sounded safe enough... It was actually good, but I just could not get down with the bread,which is what you use to eat with...lucky for me I had the foresight to ask for a fork. We also ordered this delightful honey wine, which is apparently a traditional Ethiopian wine. It was pretty good a little too much on the sweet side for me but still decent nonetheless.

I had such a nice time meeting everyone and laughed harder than I have in a long time. It is really hard for me to get out and mingle amongst other adults on a regular basis, so this was a very nice diversion to my otherwise nose to the grindstone existence.

The most entertaining part about our night out had to do with the VERY interesting character that I mentioned before. You see Monnie had posted an announcement on her blog about the get together with Brutha Code and this person accepted the invitation. I actually had found this persons blog a few weeks ago and I am quite a regular reader. I don't know why but I just find certain aspects of her lifestyle a bit fascinating. You know...nothing that I would actually do or let people know that I am aware of... kinda my little guilty pleasure...sorta thing. This blogger seemed nice enough at first, but then she started asking a bunch of unnecessary questions and annoying the natives and they were getting restless so the subject quickly turned to her. How did we know her? Where was she from? I was a bit surprised at the questions because I was sure that AT LEAST one other person besides me was a reader of her blog and knew her story. Well, my surprise turned into great amusement when she finally said who she was and people put two and two together and realized that she is a swinger and talks about it quite freely on her blog.

Oh man the looks on every one's faces were PRICELESS... and the night just went down hill for most pretty quickly especially when the check came and this chick quickly said she was not going to pay for us to drink and did not want to split the check evenly with us... WOW!!! just WOW. At this point I was getting seriously concerned for this girl's safety, because if looks could kill she would have been buried right along side the n-word. I mean I can understand if she didn't want to pay for the wine, but she should have requested a separate check from the get go....cuz splitting the check is just how we roll...sigh, but I digress.

Once dinner was paid for we all kind of started talking about going our separate ways and then this chick...get this...this chick had the audacity to single out Brutha Code while the rest of us are still standing there and ask him if he wanted to go to some other bar with her. I am like what are the rest of us chop freaking liver...man what balls!! At this point we all start to file our way out of the restaurant to say our good-byes and all but the one VERY interesting chick started to walk in the same direction towards the parking garage. Once she was safely out of sight we then decided to find another spot to hang and fellowship and had a fabulous time.

I just realized I definitely need to get out more...