A couple of weekends ago I had the honor of witnessing my little sister L get married. It was a such a lovely ceremony and I have never seen her look so happy. I am just so proud of her I could burst. Her husband T is really one of the good guys and I wish all the happiness in the world for them and their children. I would post pictures, but I am still learning the ins and outs of my camera.
Seeing her walk down the aisle I suddenly became overwrought with emotion...kinda bittersweet... you know. Nothing out of the ordinary happened our father walked L down the aisle which is really no big deal. Most brides walk down the aisle on the arms of their fathers it's a common tradition...well at least in this part of the world.
All of a sudden I started to feel warm and then hot tears started to trickle down my face one by one. The big smile I had frozen on my face began to fade and suddenly I felt like the room was slowly closing in around me. Could it be...no it really couldn't be...but yes... dare I say it. I was sad and angry because the man walking my beautiful little sister down the aisle smiling with pride was the same man that abandoned me before I was born. This man was never there for me like he was for her and yes... I was jealous.
It's funny, but until very recently I never really thought about how not having my father in my life has affected me. Not only did it shape my childhood but it really warped my sense about relationships in a major way. It was just so normal... not having a father...hell I didn't even meet him until I was 8. My mom remarried when I was 5 and my step-father became "daddy" for awhile. That is until he started getting high and drunk and beating my mother and I, but I digress. I think it was at that point that I just hardened my heart and when I finally did meet my father I had no use for him in my life.
At that time he had a whole new family and I would watch him play with my sister and brother and be so very loving towards them. They of course would laugh and be just as loving back they had this whole family dynamic that I just did not get. I do have to give the guy some credit he did try to be just as loving and playful towards me. He even told me how much he loved me and how sorry he was for leaving me and that when he left he was sick...and he was young and didn’t know what he was doing. I guess at the time I was just too young to understand how sorry he truly was. Then just as quickly as he came back into my life he vanished ... again. Years later it was revealed that his second disappearance had more to do with my mother then him...sigh. I didn't see my father again for another 8 years.
When I did see him again he was divorced from L's mom and trying to recover from his latest habit of choice...needless to say I didn't stick around. I just lived my life the best that I could never thinking that a little girl really does need her father's love and that feeling of security that comes with it.
I grew up not realizing that what I was searching for...was my father's love and the feeling of being safe...the love of my daddy...
I am almost 30 years old and it has taken me this long to realize what I have been missing all of these years. My father is a lot better now and wants a real relationship with me. My heart is so closed off that I am not sure if I can let him into my life...He has held out the olive branch for years now and I just keep avoiding it. Why??? I don't know... Maybe I am afraid to grab on to it because I think he will leave again or maybe it's because he is not the man that I wished he could be or maybe it is just too late...
As I was seeing my father walk my little sister down the aisle and the hot tears began to trickle down my face one by one...and the big frozen smile that I had on my face began to fade... and the feeling that the room was starting to slowly close up around me...
Made me think. Made me wish. Made me want... even if it was just for a second...
To be daddy's little girl...
* I started writing this post the day after my sister's wedding(8/5/07, but was unable to complete it until now. Since then I have contemplated letting my guard down and inviting this man...my father into my life. I have a chance that many people don't have to establish a relationship and I should take the bull by the horns and just do it...right? I guess that is what I am gonna try and do and I will keep you all updated if your interested. *
4 comments:
I say go for it!
Yes, do it. You never know what may come out of it. :-)
I'm really happy that you have this chance. Life is short. Definitely take this opportunity and good luck!
If you don't try then you will always wonder. My 30year old daughter found her father and now it is like he has been with her all of their lives. She always, wanted to be "daddy's girl" and now she is. I always backed her up but it still has caused problems so please make sure your mother understands; when a father is not there it not only hurts the child; it hurts the mother and she has to try to not show any resentment of him to the child but only love her and not talk bad about him either.
I am 60 now and my daughter loves me I know, but sometimes a little bit of jealousy or resentment come to light. Memories of the past when the daughter needed something and he wasn't there; but Mom was; she always was. So think of Mom too but try to at least see if you can forgive him and go on from there.
B.
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